The other day as I was getting ready, I looked in the mirror and felt overwhelmed with life. I'm in my 30s and my face seems to be a contradiction of itself- breakouts like I'm still in middle school combined with newly formed laugh lines and crows feet. My body is a far cry from what it used to be after 4 pregnancies- 3 of which were within a 2-year span, 2 of which resulted in miscarriages. Though I lost the mere 7 pounds I had gained during my fourth pregnancy rather quickly, I'm still working on the leftovers from my pregnancy with Will, our 19-month-old. My efforts over the past couple months have been successful and I'm headed in the right direction, but just once I'd like to finish a workout, immediately turn to the side while looking at myself in the mirror, and be able to think, "Hey! Those crunches really worked!" Unfortunately, that's not the way it works, and the same goes for parenting. We do our best to teach our kids what we think they need to know in life, but for the time being we have no clue if it's getting through or how they'll turn out as adults.
So there I was, frustrated with life in general, and I asked God for a Word. Something that would speak to me, encourage me, tell me it all counts for something and that my efforts of parenting, exercising, trying to honor and love my husband, and all the other big and small things of day-to-day life are worth it. I was listening to K-Love on my iPhone app (because the greater Washington, D.C. area doesn't have a station- what's up with that?) and the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns was playing. I looked down at the screen and saw the verse of the day was Galatians 6:9, which says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." I attended a Christian high school where we had a science teacher, Mr. Owen, who had us memorize this verse and write it at the end of every quiz and test he gave us. So to me this verse has always had a specific meaning for me- study hard, get a good grade. Now, I realize that's not the point of the Scripture or even what Mr. Owen was trying to teach us, but that has always been my association for it. But as I listened to the words of that song, thought about the verse, and reviewed my life as it is right now, I realized that the voice of Truth, the voice of the Lord, was telling me that what I'm doing right now matters. Doing the little things to make my husband happy- fixing the coffee at night so he can have a hot cup first thing in the morning, making the bed every day before he gets home from work, doing my best to manage our finances wisely while I'm shopping at the commissary or Target; working out and eating healthy not to look hot or turn heads, but to set a good example for my children and take care of this bodily temple in which resides the Holy Spirit; loving my children- whether that comes in the form of playing on the floor with them, letting them figure things out on their own so they can become independent, or disciplining them even when it hurts...these things matter. What could be more important to me than raising my children to walk with the Lord?
It has taken weeks- months even- of hard work, but the weight I gained while pregnant is coming off, and I'm feeling healthier. My husband says my countenance has changed. He actually used that word- countenance. He also thanks me repeatedly for taking care of the coffee, because it's one less responsibility on his very full plate. Our boys love each other- immensely- and our older son Charlie asks deep, and I mean deep, theological questions, because we are talking about God with him all the time. Any chance we have to tie something to the Bible or God's character, we do. And I'm noticing it. There are certainly days when I look at myself and feel like all my hard work in so many areas isn't making a dent in the big scheme of things, but the Bible promises, specifically in Galatians 6:9, that it will pay off...if we do not give up. It just may not happen when I want it to. But if I stick with it, if I persevere, forge ahead even when I don't feel like it, God will be faithful to bring about change in my life and the life of my family. And that, I know without a doubt, is truth.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Mommy Rules
Mommy Rules
There are a few "mommy rules" I've come up with over the past 6 years of my parenting experience. I know parenting is a fluid thing; methods and expectations change as your kids grow and change. But there are some things life has taught me- a few are my own personal guidelines and some I learned from friends or even my own parents.
1) When you wake up with a child in the middle of the night, always go to the bathroom before tending to them. Always. EVERY single time I break this rule of mine, I regret it. Those are the times you don't just have to locate the pacifier and return it to your wailing baby; those are the times your baby is screaming because a tooth is trying to poke its way through their gums and you can't find the Orajel and you fear if you stop to take a potty break their head might actually explode because they're crying so hard. Those are the times you go in to find vomit all over your toddler's crib and they refuse to let you put them down, your husband is TDY, and you have to change their sheets one-handed.
This mommy rule leads me to a mommy truth I realized one day when I was putting our 18-month-old down for a nap and he needed a little rocking before willingly going to bed. We had just gotten home and I carried his almost-limp body to his room; I needed to pee but didn't want to delay the putting-to-bed process for fear that day's nap might not happen at all. Mom's have more bladder control than they ever knew possible. You will do anything, even consider how bad it would be if you actually peed your pants in your 30s (without sneezing or jumping first), before disrupting that almost-asleep child in your arms. Thankfully I was able to get him settled before I had to do a deep-cleaning of our rocking chair.
2) Trust your instincts. Doctors are smart people, and they have a lot of great knowledge and information floating around in their heads. Friends and family love you and want to help. But you are your child's parent. You know them better than anyone else...you can read their body language, interpret their babbles, and understand each of their different cries. You know when your kindergartener has a reason to want to exaggerate his aches and pains, or minimize them- a fear of medical treatment or of missing out on an anticipated activity. If you think something is wrong, bug the doctors until they're willing to listen. If you know everything is normal, ignore the well-intentioned musings of others. This isn't to say you shouldn't seek advice or help from others, or that parents aren't sometimes in denial about the truth about their kids. But generally speaking, mommy (or daddy) knows best. So work under that assumption. It will seriously decrease your mommy guilt.
3) Speaking of mommy guilt, breathe. I know there is so much out there to distract us these days, and I do believe that when we're with our kids we should do our best to be with our kids. Most of the time. But sometimes we need to NOT be with our kids. When Charlie was an infant and toddler, he was a great napper: same time almost every day, for the same amount of time almost every day. I was a seriously blessed first-time mommy. But some days he refused to nap, or for whatever reason would fight sleep with screaming and crying. Those were always the days I needed a break, a chance to breathe. A friend gave me great advice that I've shared with lots of friends since then- put him in the crib and step outside. Take the monitor, but turn it off. I would take a book, sit on our back porch, and read a chapter at a time. After each chapter, I would turn the monitor back on to see if it was "safe" to go inside- if I could go in and not have to listen to his screaming. I would set a chapter limit for myself-usually about 5, which would take about 30 minutes for me to read. I figured by the end of half an hour, if he was asleep that was great; if he wasn't, I'd had a good break with some quiet time to myself and could go back and start fresh with him. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder; I believe this is true with kids and not just adults. Taking a few minutes to breathe and regroup will make you a better mom, and help keep you from feeling resentful or overwhelmed during the day.
4) Don't underestimate daddy guilt. So much talk is taking place about mommy guilt, I think people underestimate the reality of daddy guilt. For some it's because they're the main caregiver, which I'm sure comes with its own set of issues. Not being the sole provider, or not having the traditional role as the man and head of the family may bother some men. And those men have the equivalent of stay-at-home mommy guilt on top of that. The daddy guilt that takes place in our home is my husband wondering if he's spending enough time after work and over the weekends with our kids; wondering if he's asking too much to play golf every now and then on the weekend, or to go to the gym a few times a week before heading home for dinner. I know my husband experiences these fears because of how many times he asks if it's okay for him to make a run to Home Depot or Lowe's before he actually gets in his truck and goes. While I sometimes am jealous of his ability to take for granted his time alone in traffic at the end of a hectic work day (which he despises), I need to remember that he has a load of responsibility on his shoulders I can't even fathom, and I don't need to add to his frustrations and fears by dogging him about doing more.
5) Take advantage of nice weather. This seems obvious, but it's easy for me to get bogged down in daily tasks and trying to cross things off my to-do list and forget to let my kids be kids and enjoy the great outdoors. Even if it means I make a freezer meal for dinner that night or skip vacuuming the floors that day, we will all be happier and healthier (and don't forget sleep better) if we've had a little exercise out in the sunshine.
6) Tell your kids they can never do anything to make you stop loving them. And mean it. I was told this many times growing up, often after a teary discussion about whatever discipline I was receiving for my disobedience or a lecture on why my parents were disappointed in my behavior. Sometimes in a mushy mother-daughter moment. But I always knew my parents loved me and that it wouldn't change for anything. Not only did that knowledge give me a sense of security growing up, but it drove me to want to please my parents even more by obeying them.
7) Never be jealous when your children willingly go to other people or seem to prefer being with them because they'll always love you best. This is a lesson my Granny taught my mom, and my mom taught me. And reminding myself of this helps me be able to hand my kids over to the nursery workers at church on Sunday mornings, leave them with trustworthy babysitters, and allow people who need to be part of their lives that I don't have the best of relationships with to hold and play with them. Being loved by more people than just those in your home will give your children a sense of love and acceptance they need and crave. But you're they're mommy- they'll always love you best.
8) My mom once wisely told me that I didn't need to share my negative opinions about others with my kids. She said they're smart, they'll figure it out on their own. And you know what? She's right. I'm sure they will as they grow up and learn to hear more than just the words being said, but what's behind them. If the time comes when they're mature enough to know the truth about certain histories and those truths will guide them in making positive life decisions, then we can share those things. But for the meantime, it's my responsibility to let them enjoy the harmless positive attention they receive from those people.
9) If you teach your kids to behave in your home the way you want them to behave in others' homes, life will be so much simpler. There will always be those who expect more of your children than you do, and there will always be those who allow your children (or theirs) to be animals compared to what you would expect. But if you train your kids to act appropriately on a regular basis while at home, then when you send them out into the world- school, church, friends' homes, you don't need to wait with baited breath to see what the adults who've been supervising them have to say about how they were. You may even be pleasantly surprised at the compliments you receive over their behavior.
10) Pray for your children. This is really the most important of all- because as much as we want to put a bubble around them to protect them from the evil in this world, we can't. But we can send them out of our homes knowing they're being protected by One who loves them even more than we do and wants no harm to come to them. That doesn't mean it won't. They will still get sick, be teased, have trouble in school...but they will be in the care of the One who created them. And I can't think of anything better than that.
There are a few "mommy rules" I've come up with over the past 6 years of my parenting experience. I know parenting is a fluid thing; methods and expectations change as your kids grow and change. But there are some things life has taught me- a few are my own personal guidelines and some I learned from friends or even my own parents.
1) When you wake up with a child in the middle of the night, always go to the bathroom before tending to them. Always. EVERY single time I break this rule of mine, I regret it. Those are the times you don't just have to locate the pacifier and return it to your wailing baby; those are the times your baby is screaming because a tooth is trying to poke its way through their gums and you can't find the Orajel and you fear if you stop to take a potty break their head might actually explode because they're crying so hard. Those are the times you go in to find vomit all over your toddler's crib and they refuse to let you put them down, your husband is TDY, and you have to change their sheets one-handed.
This mommy rule leads me to a mommy truth I realized one day when I was putting our 18-month-old down for a nap and he needed a little rocking before willingly going to bed. We had just gotten home and I carried his almost-limp body to his room; I needed to pee but didn't want to delay the putting-to-bed process for fear that day's nap might not happen at all. Mom's have more bladder control than they ever knew possible. You will do anything, even consider how bad it would be if you actually peed your pants in your 30s (without sneezing or jumping first), before disrupting that almost-asleep child in your arms. Thankfully I was able to get him settled before I had to do a deep-cleaning of our rocking chair.
2) Trust your instincts. Doctors are smart people, and they have a lot of great knowledge and information floating around in their heads. Friends and family love you and want to help. But you are your child's parent. You know them better than anyone else...you can read their body language, interpret their babbles, and understand each of their different cries. You know when your kindergartener has a reason to want to exaggerate his aches and pains, or minimize them- a fear of medical treatment or of missing out on an anticipated activity. If you think something is wrong, bug the doctors until they're willing to listen. If you know everything is normal, ignore the well-intentioned musings of others. This isn't to say you shouldn't seek advice or help from others, or that parents aren't sometimes in denial about the truth about their kids. But generally speaking, mommy (or daddy) knows best. So work under that assumption. It will seriously decrease your mommy guilt.
3) Speaking of mommy guilt, breathe. I know there is so much out there to distract us these days, and I do believe that when we're with our kids we should do our best to be with our kids. Most of the time. But sometimes we need to NOT be with our kids. When Charlie was an infant and toddler, he was a great napper: same time almost every day, for the same amount of time almost every day. I was a seriously blessed first-time mommy. But some days he refused to nap, or for whatever reason would fight sleep with screaming and crying. Those were always the days I needed a break, a chance to breathe. A friend gave me great advice that I've shared with lots of friends since then- put him in the crib and step outside. Take the monitor, but turn it off. I would take a book, sit on our back porch, and read a chapter at a time. After each chapter, I would turn the monitor back on to see if it was "safe" to go inside- if I could go in and not have to listen to his screaming. I would set a chapter limit for myself-usually about 5, which would take about 30 minutes for me to read. I figured by the end of half an hour, if he was asleep that was great; if he wasn't, I'd had a good break with some quiet time to myself and could go back and start fresh with him. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder; I believe this is true with kids and not just adults. Taking a few minutes to breathe and regroup will make you a better mom, and help keep you from feeling resentful or overwhelmed during the day.
4) Don't underestimate daddy guilt. So much talk is taking place about mommy guilt, I think people underestimate the reality of daddy guilt. For some it's because they're the main caregiver, which I'm sure comes with its own set of issues. Not being the sole provider, or not having the traditional role as the man and head of the family may bother some men. And those men have the equivalent of stay-at-home mommy guilt on top of that. The daddy guilt that takes place in our home is my husband wondering if he's spending enough time after work and over the weekends with our kids; wondering if he's asking too much to play golf every now and then on the weekend, or to go to the gym a few times a week before heading home for dinner. I know my husband experiences these fears because of how many times he asks if it's okay for him to make a run to Home Depot or Lowe's before he actually gets in his truck and goes. While I sometimes am jealous of his ability to take for granted his time alone in traffic at the end of a hectic work day (which he despises), I need to remember that he has a load of responsibility on his shoulders I can't even fathom, and I don't need to add to his frustrations and fears by dogging him about doing more.
5) Take advantage of nice weather. This seems obvious, but it's easy for me to get bogged down in daily tasks and trying to cross things off my to-do list and forget to let my kids be kids and enjoy the great outdoors. Even if it means I make a freezer meal for dinner that night or skip vacuuming the floors that day, we will all be happier and healthier (and don't forget sleep better) if we've had a little exercise out in the sunshine.
6) Tell your kids they can never do anything to make you stop loving them. And mean it. I was told this many times growing up, often after a teary discussion about whatever discipline I was receiving for my disobedience or a lecture on why my parents were disappointed in my behavior. Sometimes in a mushy mother-daughter moment. But I always knew my parents loved me and that it wouldn't change for anything. Not only did that knowledge give me a sense of security growing up, but it drove me to want to please my parents even more by obeying them.
7) Never be jealous when your children willingly go to other people or seem to prefer being with them because they'll always love you best. This is a lesson my Granny taught my mom, and my mom taught me. And reminding myself of this helps me be able to hand my kids over to the nursery workers at church on Sunday mornings, leave them with trustworthy babysitters, and allow people who need to be part of their lives that I don't have the best of relationships with to hold and play with them. Being loved by more people than just those in your home will give your children a sense of love and acceptance they need and crave. But you're they're mommy- they'll always love you best.
8) My mom once wisely told me that I didn't need to share my negative opinions about others with my kids. She said they're smart, they'll figure it out on their own. And you know what? She's right. I'm sure they will as they grow up and learn to hear more than just the words being said, but what's behind them. If the time comes when they're mature enough to know the truth about certain histories and those truths will guide them in making positive life decisions, then we can share those things. But for the meantime, it's my responsibility to let them enjoy the harmless positive attention they receive from those people.
9) If you teach your kids to behave in your home the way you want them to behave in others' homes, life will be so much simpler. There will always be those who expect more of your children than you do, and there will always be those who allow your children (or theirs) to be animals compared to what you would expect. But if you train your kids to act appropriately on a regular basis while at home, then when you send them out into the world- school, church, friends' homes, you don't need to wait with baited breath to see what the adults who've been supervising them have to say about how they were. You may even be pleasantly surprised at the compliments you receive over their behavior.
10) Pray for your children. This is really the most important of all- because as much as we want to put a bubble around them to protect them from the evil in this world, we can't. But we can send them out of our homes knowing they're being protected by One who loves them even more than we do and wants no harm to come to them. That doesn't mean it won't. They will still get sick, be teased, have trouble in school...but they will be in the care of the One who created them. And I can't think of anything better than that.
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