One of the most common things I hear as a military spouse is, "I just couldn't do it!" I'm sure some people feel like they're offering a compliment by indicating that I'm a stronger person than they are, while others spout it off as a trite response to me telling them my husband is in the Air Force. Some probably truly believe what they're saying- that a life of separation due to TDYs and deployments would leave them lonely and alone more often than they'd care to be, and the fear of their husband (or wife) being in harm's way because of their job is more than they think they can handle. But I can tell you this: I'm not some amazingly strong person with excellent coping mechanisms. In fact, if you were to ask a psychologist they'd probably tell you my coping mechanisms are more like avoidance mechanisms at times. And there are times where I absolutely hate having my husband gone for days at a time, but there are also times where I relish the time alone. Yes, I have kids, but I'm alone with them during the day anyway, so the time at night and on weekends is all that's different when he's away. That doesn't mean I don't miss him, or that I don't enjoy having him around. It's that I've always been someone who likes some alone time every now and then, and I enjoy the relative freedom that it offers on occasion.
However, these things aren't what get me through life as a military spouse (or even life in general). Early on in our marriage, I was at a low point. We had just moved to a new place, base housing wasn't yet available so we lived in an apartment and knew no one, and the Iraq war was just kicking off. My husband was on a flying mission somewhere overseas and, as was typical for him, would call me every day or two. When he was going somewhere where he wouldn't be able to call me, he would simply let me know it would be a few days before I heard from him again. I was okay with this. As long as I wasn't expecting a call, I wouldn't panic if I didn't hear from him. And there were times when I wouldn't hear from him for a few days in a row. But one of these times I didn't hear from him when I was supposed to, and I started to worry a little. The next day he didn't call, and I was getting concerned. The day after that, I started to panic. It was a Sunday morning and I was getting ready for church, and as I washed my hair in the shower I started to lose it. I don't mean I was sad so I started to cry. I mean I had a whole variety of awful things that could have happened to my husband running through my head and had a complete and total breakdown, sobbing and crying out loud to God, asking Him to make these things I had conjured up in my imagination not true, and to let me hear from Justin. And still the phone didn't ring. As I stood there crying in the shower, I realized that God was there. He was listening. I knew without a doubt that I wasn't just talking to the water running over my face. I was calling out to an omnipresent God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, and that He loved me and cared for me and was listening to my cries. And that is when it hit me: He hasn't left me. He will never leave me. Even when my husband leaves me, whether it's because of work or, God-forbid a tragedy that leaves me suddenly alone, the Lord will still be there by my side. He promised His people in Joshua 1:9 that He would be with them wherever they went, and that promise holds true for His people today. According to Deuteronomy 31, He will never leave us or forsake us. When it feels like we are all alone, that there is no one there for us, God is. So I had to ask myself: Is Jesus enough? Can I go through this life married to a man in a potentially dangerous job, trusting that I will be okay no matter what happens to us? Do I truly believe the words I sing to Him- that He's all I want, all I need, that He's more than enough for me? Because if I can't back those words up then I better stop singing them. Right then and there I realized that yes, He is enough for me. When nothing else in life seems right, when everything is scary and upside-down, Jesus will still be enough. He will carry me through any situation He allows to come into my life and, as a result, I will be okay. And do you know what happened as soon as I gave this sacrifice of faith up to the Lord? The phone rang. My husband was completely fine, just stuck in a place where the phone operators were asking them to pay cash before using the phone. The story from his side is actually comical to me now, and I know the Lord was just using those old babushkas to hold him up in his calling me until I released my fears to Him. God also reminded me before it was all over that if something were to happen to Justin, I wouldn't be left wondering. I would be notified and that He would be right there to shore me up.
So let me caution you, if you are a believer, before you tell someone that you "just can't" do something, ask yourself: Is Jesus enough? Do I mean what I say when I sing those worship songs? Do I trust His Word enough to place my life in His hands? It's easy to say, "Yes Lord, I want to go to Heaven. Save me from my sins." It's a whole other thing to actually step out in faith with the tangible, to place your marriage and the life of your spouse (and other loved ones) in His hands and say, "I can do this because I have Jesus and He is enough."
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Words They Need to Hear
It occurred to me recently that I have become the mom who spends most of her time trying to manage her kids and move them on to the next thing, rather than the mom who spends most of her time with her kids. I realize there are times when you have to be that mom, entire days even, simply because life is life and that is sometimes how it goes. But I don't want to be the mom I had become: hurry up and eat breakfast in front of the TV while I get ready so we can run errands; hurry up (Will) and take a nap so Charlie can do schoolwork uninterrupted; hurry up (Will) and wake up from naptime so I can vacuum or take a walk or do something else that naptime inhibits; hurry up and eat dinner so we can bathe you both and put you to bed. I realized I was spending so little time actually talking to or with my kids, and was mostly talking at them. More like yelling, if I'm being honest. But kids need to hear our words. They get to where there is so much noise coming at them that they start to tune us out. And we only have so much time to tell them so many things. Soon they'll be hearing what other people have to say, and they won't be yelled at. These things will be whispered into their minds, thoughts that they aren't loved, aren't special, aren't smart or funny or worthy. Those are the things that will take a foothold if we aren't careful. Before the world starts trying to get a grasp on their minds and hearts, we need to help them find their identity and worth in something greater than what the world has to offer. We need to say, "I love you." There are no greater words our children can hear from us. Knowing you're loved makes you feel special, important, worthy, cared for. It gives an identity- a sense of belonging. It tells them they're part of your family, whatever that may look like. And when you're a part of something in which you know you're important, you are less likely to go look for that elsewhere.
I'm ashamed to admit that I had failed to tell our 1 1/2 year old son that I loved him for several days in a row. It hit me one day, and that was when I came to this conclusion. I can give my boys all the hugs and kisses in the world, take them to do fun things, and tell them they're smart, funny, handsome and sweet- but if I neglect to tell them that I love them, none of the other stuff has any credence. So tell your kids that you love them. Every day. It will cover a multitude of hurts and sadnesses, and will give them a platform from which they can go out into the big world and ward off those whispers that say anything to the contrary.
I'm ashamed to admit that I had failed to tell our 1 1/2 year old son that I loved him for several days in a row. It hit me one day, and that was when I came to this conclusion. I can give my boys all the hugs and kisses in the world, take them to do fun things, and tell them they're smart, funny, handsome and sweet- but if I neglect to tell them that I love them, none of the other stuff has any credence. So tell your kids that you love them. Every day. It will cover a multitude of hurts and sadnesses, and will give them a platform from which they can go out into the big world and ward off those whispers that say anything to the contrary.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Overexposure and Our Sacred Bodies
Lately I feel like so much about people's bodies have been in my face. Pinterest, Facebook, TV, magazines, books and movies; even my own efforts to lose baby weight have put thoughts of flesh on my mind nearly constantly. All of this has got me thinking about how, as believers in Christ, our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19-20) and what that means for me as a woman in general, and more specifically a wife and mother, and even as a friend.
Our culture is so focused on the physical and there is truly no place we can turn (short of living a secluded, Amish-type lifestyle) that we won't encounter a wide variety of in-your-face flesh. I'm not just talking about sex, though as everyone knows and the saying goes, it sells, and all manner of businesses are taking advantage of that these days. Insurance companies, car dealerships, and so many others are using people's bodies to draw business for themselves. But it's more than that. We're posting pictures of ourselves with our "new" bodies, whether it's weight loss or a boob job, a piercing or tattoo, even pregnancy photos...we (and I say "we" because I too am guilty of this) feel the need to share ourselves physically. With everyone. I'm not saying posting pictures of ourselves is always a bad thing; I am extremely grateful that despite our military life that takes us away from friends and family, I get to see changes in them as time passes. I don't miss out on the great new haircuts or the first birthday parties; I can see my friends' bellies grow along with the precious babies in their wombs. And I can share all these things about my life with them. But somehow in the midst of all this, are we getting too comfortable with each other? Are we so overexposed to others' personal affairs, including their flesh, that we are losing a sense of the sacredness of our bodies?
As a mother of boys, I find it a relief that we don't have many clothing battles to fight. Other than telling our 6-year-old he can't wear high-water sweatpants in public ("But they're comfortable!"), we usually don't argue over what he wears. And our 19-month-old fights us only because he's a toddler and that's what his little brain tells him to do, not because he's particularly offended by my shirt choice for him that day. I'm not exactly fond of the many boys' clothes with skateboards, skulls and crossbones these days (my tastes tend to run more classic/preppy), but I don't find them offensive in a way that makes me think they physically overexpose my kids. I truly feel for mothers of daughters trying to find appropriate clothing for them to wear, even just for school. I've heard so many of my friends complain that it's nearly impossible to find age-appropriate clothes for their elementary school-age daughters. Maybe it's just because kids clothes weren't so closely matched with adult fashion trends when I was growing up, or maybe it's because adult fashion trends were less revealing than they are now, but I don't remember that being a problem when I was little. The only times I remember it being an issue even a little bit is during swimsuit shopping, when my mom would comment on bikinis designed for little girls. And I have to say I agree with her. I beg of you, parents of little girls, don't dress your daughter for the beach or pool in something that looks like it was designed for a Victoria's Secret model. Let them be little. There is time enough for them to realize their bodies will be considered by so many a sex object and nothing more. For now, though, just let them be comfortable running around and building sand castles without worrying about whether their triangle top is in the right place.
On the flip side of mothering boys, I realize that while they're watching their dad more to figure out what kind of man they want to be as they grow up, they'll be looking to me to figure out what kind of women they want to marry. Let me tell you- that is some scary stuff. We most definitely pray for our children's future spouses, but we are modeling for them now what type of marriage relationship they will have later. Do I want them to think their wives are beautiful? Absolutely. Do I want to set an example that she should always be fretting about her weight, hair, clothes, and makeup? Absolutely not. I want my sons to know that the quality of her character should far outshine any physical assets she brings to the table, and that's not a lesson I can just pay lip service to. I'm definitely not there yet, but am constantly striving to keep an open line of communication about who someone is on the inside being more important than what they're like on the outside. Especially when my son asks me about my counting calories and working out to lose weight.
I honestly don't know where the line is on some things when it comes to honoring God with our bodies. I believe a lot of that falls into the area of what is right for some may not be right for others, though some of it is laid out for us in Scripture. We do need to keep in mind, though, that others are watching us. Non-believers and believers alike, including our children. How we treat our bodies will affect how our children treat their bodies as well as the bodies of their future boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. It will also affect others in being drawn to or turned away from us as Christians, and can cause those with a less mature faith to either be strengthened or to stumble. I believe that married women should dress for their husbands. That means dress in a way that pleases him and yes, makes you more attractive to him; but it should also signal to others that you are in fact a married woman and that your body is your husband's. Make him proud to have you on his arm. All women should dress for other married women. By that I mean keep in mind the fact that many men out there are married, and by showing too much skin, you make other wives insecure and other husbands enticed to look at someone other than their own wives. Keep in mind single men, too. They're called to keep their thoughts pure, and need to save their hearts and minds for their future wives. That's nearly impossible to do in this day and age. Don't make it any harder on them than it already is. Dress for young women; let them see that you can be cute without showing everything off. And don't just value your own body; teach your children to do the same. It's theirs, set apart for the one true holy God and the spouse He has set aside for them.
We have such a great responsibility when it comes to the bodies God's given us, and the opportunities to act irresponsibly with them are endless. Be careful of what you share and who you share it with. There are things that you can never get back. What has been seen can't be unseen. First Corinthians tells us we were bought at a price, which is the blood of Christ. That's far too costly for us to be so cavalier with sharing what should be kept sacred.
Our culture is so focused on the physical and there is truly no place we can turn (short of living a secluded, Amish-type lifestyle) that we won't encounter a wide variety of in-your-face flesh. I'm not just talking about sex, though as everyone knows and the saying goes, it sells, and all manner of businesses are taking advantage of that these days. Insurance companies, car dealerships, and so many others are using people's bodies to draw business for themselves. But it's more than that. We're posting pictures of ourselves with our "new" bodies, whether it's weight loss or a boob job, a piercing or tattoo, even pregnancy photos...we (and I say "we" because I too am guilty of this) feel the need to share ourselves physically. With everyone. I'm not saying posting pictures of ourselves is always a bad thing; I am extremely grateful that despite our military life that takes us away from friends and family, I get to see changes in them as time passes. I don't miss out on the great new haircuts or the first birthday parties; I can see my friends' bellies grow along with the precious babies in their wombs. And I can share all these things about my life with them. But somehow in the midst of all this, are we getting too comfortable with each other? Are we so overexposed to others' personal affairs, including their flesh, that we are losing a sense of the sacredness of our bodies?
As a mother of boys, I find it a relief that we don't have many clothing battles to fight. Other than telling our 6-year-old he can't wear high-water sweatpants in public ("But they're comfortable!"), we usually don't argue over what he wears. And our 19-month-old fights us only because he's a toddler and that's what his little brain tells him to do, not because he's particularly offended by my shirt choice for him that day. I'm not exactly fond of the many boys' clothes with skateboards, skulls and crossbones these days (my tastes tend to run more classic/preppy), but I don't find them offensive in a way that makes me think they physically overexpose my kids. I truly feel for mothers of daughters trying to find appropriate clothing for them to wear, even just for school. I've heard so many of my friends complain that it's nearly impossible to find age-appropriate clothes for their elementary school-age daughters. Maybe it's just because kids clothes weren't so closely matched with adult fashion trends when I was growing up, or maybe it's because adult fashion trends were less revealing than they are now, but I don't remember that being a problem when I was little. The only times I remember it being an issue even a little bit is during swimsuit shopping, when my mom would comment on bikinis designed for little girls. And I have to say I agree with her. I beg of you, parents of little girls, don't dress your daughter for the beach or pool in something that looks like it was designed for a Victoria's Secret model. Let them be little. There is time enough for them to realize their bodies will be considered by so many a sex object and nothing more. For now, though, just let them be comfortable running around and building sand castles without worrying about whether their triangle top is in the right place.
On the flip side of mothering boys, I realize that while they're watching their dad more to figure out what kind of man they want to be as they grow up, they'll be looking to me to figure out what kind of women they want to marry. Let me tell you- that is some scary stuff. We most definitely pray for our children's future spouses, but we are modeling for them now what type of marriage relationship they will have later. Do I want them to think their wives are beautiful? Absolutely. Do I want to set an example that she should always be fretting about her weight, hair, clothes, and makeup? Absolutely not. I want my sons to know that the quality of her character should far outshine any physical assets she brings to the table, and that's not a lesson I can just pay lip service to. I'm definitely not there yet, but am constantly striving to keep an open line of communication about who someone is on the inside being more important than what they're like on the outside. Especially when my son asks me about my counting calories and working out to lose weight.
I honestly don't know where the line is on some things when it comes to honoring God with our bodies. I believe a lot of that falls into the area of what is right for some may not be right for others, though some of it is laid out for us in Scripture. We do need to keep in mind, though, that others are watching us. Non-believers and believers alike, including our children. How we treat our bodies will affect how our children treat their bodies as well as the bodies of their future boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. It will also affect others in being drawn to or turned away from us as Christians, and can cause those with a less mature faith to either be strengthened or to stumble. I believe that married women should dress for their husbands. That means dress in a way that pleases him and yes, makes you more attractive to him; but it should also signal to others that you are in fact a married woman and that your body is your husband's. Make him proud to have you on his arm. All women should dress for other married women. By that I mean keep in mind the fact that many men out there are married, and by showing too much skin, you make other wives insecure and other husbands enticed to look at someone other than their own wives. Keep in mind single men, too. They're called to keep their thoughts pure, and need to save their hearts and minds for their future wives. That's nearly impossible to do in this day and age. Don't make it any harder on them than it already is. Dress for young women; let them see that you can be cute without showing everything off. And don't just value your own body; teach your children to do the same. It's theirs, set apart for the one true holy God and the spouse He has set aside for them.
We have such a great responsibility when it comes to the bodies God's given us, and the opportunities to act irresponsibly with them are endless. Be careful of what you share and who you share it with. There are things that you can never get back. What has been seen can't be unseen. First Corinthians tells us we were bought at a price, which is the blood of Christ. That's far too costly for us to be so cavalier with sharing what should be kept sacred.
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