The first Sunday after our second miscarriage in October of 2012, our church congregation sang "Thank you Lord." I tried so hard to sing those words. I tried so hard to feel them. But all I could do was stand there, flanked by my mom on one side and my husband on the other, in the midst of a congregation of believers who for the most part had no idea what we were going through, and cry. "I just want to thank you Lord...with a grateful heart, with an outstretched hand..." "Really, Lord? What do I have to be thankful for? Please, Lord, help me feel these words; help me see Your goodness; help me be reminded of my blessings." Six months later, we sang that song in church again- and I praise God that I could sing every word of that song and mean it. It still hurt my heart to say these words, because I would prefer to have had that little one in my arms to thank Him for. BUT. But I can thank Him. I do feel the words. They speak to my heart, and I have a true understanding of what it is to make a sacrifice of praise. I'd never really understood what that meant, but now I can say I do. And that praise, the one that costs you something to offer up, is so much sweeter to me than the one that comes from a place of innocence and naïveté. That innocent praise is certainly sweet, and I'm thankful for the time I had with God where my heart was unmarred by the scars life leaves in its wake, but I'm even more thankful for the depth of understanding of His goodness in spite of the pain that causes those scars, and that I've been found faithful even in the fires of life.
It's like you've been thrown into a concrete pit and there's no hope of climbing out. Something has just happened that can't be undone. Time won't go backwards. You can't make it not so. And so you've lost something you can never get back. All the platitudes and Godly truths won't change what your life is right now. But what your life is right now won't change those Godly truths. You need time to be sad, grieve, walk through the pain; because ignoring or avoiding it won't work. It will follow you. So deal with it. But do that in light of what you know about who God is. And anytime you question those things, remind yourself of how God has made Himself present and shown Himself in your life. If you can't remember, ask Him to show you. He will do it. It may time time; days, weeks, months or more. But He is faithful and He longs to remind you of it.
And about those platitudes- people will say them to you. They want to help. They want to do something but don't know what's appropriate. Or they feel like they should say or do something, so they just say what comes to them. Don't get angry at them. It will hurt, but try to remember that at some point, you've probably said or done something in an effort to help someone who was hurting but ended up doing the opposite. Offer these people grace, as you have probably been offered grace by others who were hurting more times than you know. One day they will look back and be reminded of a time when they made a glib remark in an effort to fill the silence, probably when someone has done the same thing to them, and regret it. They probably won't be anyone who is in a close relationship with you and has the opportunity to apologize, and even if they are they'll likely be too embarrassed to bring it up. Remember Christ, who even in His immense pain and suffering as He became sin so we might be saved from it, asked His Father in Heaven to forgive those who hung Him on the cross. Just as they didn't realize they were punishing the Son of God for their misdeeds (and ours), neither do those around us realize how hurtful their thoughtless words can be. And if Christ can forgive them AND us, so also must we forgive.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Flying in Planes with Kids
This week my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and 3 nephews are coming to visit. We are so excited to have them with us, especially since this will be the first time their boys leave Texas, AND the first time they get to fly! Since my brother and sister-in-law don't have experience flying with kids and I have more than enough to go around, I keep thinking of tips for them to make sure things go smoothly. I have flown with my boys (but mostly without my husband) upwards of 20 times in the past 6 years so I definitely have a routine down. I finally decided to blog about what I have learned rather than constantly texting them. So here you go...how I like to pack and prepare to travel when flying with kids:
Before you get to the packing stage, you need to plan your trip and buy tickets. Some people like to fly late at night in hopes their kids will sleep, but once you get there you still have to get to the hotel or house where you're staying and, in that process, disturb their sleep big time. My preference is to fly during/around naptime. If your kid is under age 2, he or she can ride as a lap child. When Charlie, our first, was born, I insisted on his having a seat and dragging his car seat onto the plane. I finally realized that a car seat wouldn't exactly save him in a plane crash, and I'd want him in my arms if something happened anyway. If you do fly with a lap child, make sure you inform the airline ahead of time, and be prepared to show proof of their age at the ticket counter with either a copy of their birth certificate or shot record. In a pinch, an insurance card with their birthdate works too (or it has for me).
When it comes to packing suitcases, I have a few hard and fast rules. When I don't do these things I always regret it. Always pack pants and long sleeves for everyone. You never know when the weather will turn or you end up going to a restaurant that's chilly. I almost always wear mine rather than pack them, but I'll cover that in a minute. I always make sure to have enough diapers/Pull-ups to get us through traveling and into the next day, but I usually wait until we get to our destination to buy enough to get us through the rest of our time there. If you're lucky like me, you'll have someone like my mom and some of my good friends who buy them in advance. When it comes to pajamas, I pack either 2 pairs (minimum) or 1 pair and something like sweats that we can lounge in that can double as PJs. You just never know when a diaper will leak or your kid will get sick on you! I try to pack mix-and-match outfits for myself and my boys. Make sure to take accessories for the weather-hats, gloves and scarves for cold or sun hats, sunglasses and sunscreen in summer. That's about it for suitcase packing rules for me. The actual traveling, however, is a different story...
I'm pretty picky about how I dress and pack for the plane. I usually wear long pants or capris, and I always wear/take a zip-up hoodie. It sounds extreme to be so particular and my mom actually laughed at me when I explained it to her, but she's never flown alone with kids so I'll forgive her for it! :) The pants are because I tend to get cold on planes, and the zip-up sweatshirt is because it works well as a pillow or blanket, and if your child falls asleep on your lap and you start burning up, you can actually take it off (unlike with a pull-over). I usually wear socks and tennis shoes rather than sandals or flip flops because my feet get cold and being warm and comfortable is worth the hassle of having to take your shoes off at security (in my opinion). My bangs usually get pinned back so they aren't in my face, but I don't wear a ponytail because it just hurts to put your head back against the head rest. I always make sure to have enough wipes and diapers and a change of clothes for the boys. It seems all sippy cups leak, but the disposable ones aren't usually as bad on planes as ones with stoppers, and if something happens and it gets gross you can throw it away without feeling guilty. I pack my glasses in my purse, mostly in case we get stuck somewhere on a layover or diverted due to weather. I guess this is where my being a military pilot's wife comes out and I think about the what-ifs. I always want to make sure we are prepared for things not going according to schedule and not having a chance to make a run to Target or Wal-Mart. On that note, I always pack my phone charger...I always take my Kindle, but since I can read books on my iPhone I don't necessarily worry about my Kindle charger in my carry-on. Lastly, I make sure I have my ID, cash and credit/debit card with me. This seems obvious, but it would be terrible to show up at the airport and not being able to check in because you don't have your ID.
Things to know before flying with kids include the following:
*You can check a booster/car seat with your luggage and the airline should give you a clear plastic bag to put it in to help protect it. You aren't allowed to put your kid in a booster seat on the plane because they aren't FAA approved. You can also purchase your own padded car seat bag. We had one that was really nice and had padded shoulder straps so we could use it as a backpack. It had enough room in it for us to pack a few other items as well and save suitcase space.
*When going through security, kids 12 and under don't have to take their shoes off. Everyone has to take off jackets/sweatshirts/sweaters. Kids about 4 or 5 and up can take responsibility for themselves at security. Charlie (6) knows to get a bucket and put his jacket (if he has one) and anything he's carrying in it. He has carried his own bag/backpack since he was about 2 through the airport, in which we put his nonny (taggy blanket he still sleeps with), books, and any toys, video games, or coloring items he chooses to take on the plane. I'm pretty sure we could drop Charlie off at the airport and he could check in, get his boarding pass and check his luggage, make it through security and onto his plane all by himself. Not only has he flown a lot, but I've taught him to pay attention at security and how to look for the right gate.
*If you are taking a stroller, you will have to take your child out of it and fold it up and place it on the conveyer belt to be x-rayed. Some TSA agents will even make you flip it over so the wheels aren't rolling on the belt. I'm not kidding. Apparently they don't realize how hard it is to keep track of a 6-year-old, hold a wild toddler and carry-ons, and fold up and pick up a stroller all at the same time.
*I like to get to the airport in time to go to the bathroom once last time, purchase a drink for myself in a bottle (less likely to spill), and buy something to eat if necessary. If it's going to be a meal-time while we're in the air, I will buy sandwiches or whatever. If not, I make sure I have plenty of snacks (which I usually buy ahead of time). I've learned special treats (like M&Ms for our 22-month-old, Will) doled out very slowly when he's ready to lose it on the plane tend to be very helpful.
*Download Kindle books and movies before you get on the plane-otherwise you'll be out of luck in most instances. Some airlines are starting to offer wi-fi, but most charge and I'm not willing to pay for it! If your kids will wear headphones, bring them-I try not to annoy those around us with Sesame Street when possible.
*Finally, most airplanes don't have a place for you to change diapers. I've mastered changing them in my lap. It's not ideal and you have to be especially careful when you're sitting next to a stranger, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do! So suck it up and take care of your kid. Try to remember to bring some bags to put dirty/wet diapers in, or ask the flight attendants. They are usually more than happy to give you a trash bag. Sometimes I just get one from the get-go and keep it for all our trash until the end of the flight.
I hope this is helpful for someone out there! My husband is an excellent dad and does his best to help when he's able to fly places with us, but ironically I find his presence more disruptive to the flow of my routine. Of course it's more fun having him there on the plane to hold a squirmy Will, and once we get where we're going rather than having to miss having him there. Good luck and happy travels!
What are your helpful traveling hints?
Before you get to the packing stage, you need to plan your trip and buy tickets. Some people like to fly late at night in hopes their kids will sleep, but once you get there you still have to get to the hotel or house where you're staying and, in that process, disturb their sleep big time. My preference is to fly during/around naptime. If your kid is under age 2, he or she can ride as a lap child. When Charlie, our first, was born, I insisted on his having a seat and dragging his car seat onto the plane. I finally realized that a car seat wouldn't exactly save him in a plane crash, and I'd want him in my arms if something happened anyway. If you do fly with a lap child, make sure you inform the airline ahead of time, and be prepared to show proof of their age at the ticket counter with either a copy of their birth certificate or shot record. In a pinch, an insurance card with their birthdate works too (or it has for me).
When it comes to packing suitcases, I have a few hard and fast rules. When I don't do these things I always regret it. Always pack pants and long sleeves for everyone. You never know when the weather will turn or you end up going to a restaurant that's chilly. I almost always wear mine rather than pack them, but I'll cover that in a minute. I always make sure to have enough diapers/Pull-ups to get us through traveling and into the next day, but I usually wait until we get to our destination to buy enough to get us through the rest of our time there. If you're lucky like me, you'll have someone like my mom and some of my good friends who buy them in advance. When it comes to pajamas, I pack either 2 pairs (minimum) or 1 pair and something like sweats that we can lounge in that can double as PJs. You just never know when a diaper will leak or your kid will get sick on you! I try to pack mix-and-match outfits for myself and my boys. Make sure to take accessories for the weather-hats, gloves and scarves for cold or sun hats, sunglasses and sunscreen in summer. That's about it for suitcase packing rules for me. The actual traveling, however, is a different story...
I'm pretty picky about how I dress and pack for the plane. I usually wear long pants or capris, and I always wear/take a zip-up hoodie. It sounds extreme to be so particular and my mom actually laughed at me when I explained it to her, but she's never flown alone with kids so I'll forgive her for it! :) The pants are because I tend to get cold on planes, and the zip-up sweatshirt is because it works well as a pillow or blanket, and if your child falls asleep on your lap and you start burning up, you can actually take it off (unlike with a pull-over). I usually wear socks and tennis shoes rather than sandals or flip flops because my feet get cold and being warm and comfortable is worth the hassle of having to take your shoes off at security (in my opinion). My bangs usually get pinned back so they aren't in my face, but I don't wear a ponytail because it just hurts to put your head back against the head rest. I always make sure to have enough wipes and diapers and a change of clothes for the boys. It seems all sippy cups leak, but the disposable ones aren't usually as bad on planes as ones with stoppers, and if something happens and it gets gross you can throw it away without feeling guilty. I pack my glasses in my purse, mostly in case we get stuck somewhere on a layover or diverted due to weather. I guess this is where my being a military pilot's wife comes out and I think about the what-ifs. I always want to make sure we are prepared for things not going according to schedule and not having a chance to make a run to Target or Wal-Mart. On that note, I always pack my phone charger...I always take my Kindle, but since I can read books on my iPhone I don't necessarily worry about my Kindle charger in my carry-on. Lastly, I make sure I have my ID, cash and credit/debit card with me. This seems obvious, but it would be terrible to show up at the airport and not being able to check in because you don't have your ID.
Things to know before flying with kids include the following:
*You can check a booster/car seat with your luggage and the airline should give you a clear plastic bag to put it in to help protect it. You aren't allowed to put your kid in a booster seat on the plane because they aren't FAA approved. You can also purchase your own padded car seat bag. We had one that was really nice and had padded shoulder straps so we could use it as a backpack. It had enough room in it for us to pack a few other items as well and save suitcase space.
*When going through security, kids 12 and under don't have to take their shoes off. Everyone has to take off jackets/sweatshirts/sweaters. Kids about 4 or 5 and up can take responsibility for themselves at security. Charlie (6) knows to get a bucket and put his jacket (if he has one) and anything he's carrying in it. He has carried his own bag/backpack since he was about 2 through the airport, in which we put his nonny (taggy blanket he still sleeps with), books, and any toys, video games, or coloring items he chooses to take on the plane. I'm pretty sure we could drop Charlie off at the airport and he could check in, get his boarding pass and check his luggage, make it through security and onto his plane all by himself. Not only has he flown a lot, but I've taught him to pay attention at security and how to look for the right gate.
*If you are taking a stroller, you will have to take your child out of it and fold it up and place it on the conveyer belt to be x-rayed. Some TSA agents will even make you flip it over so the wheels aren't rolling on the belt. I'm not kidding. Apparently they don't realize how hard it is to keep track of a 6-year-old, hold a wild toddler and carry-ons, and fold up and pick up a stroller all at the same time.
*I like to get to the airport in time to go to the bathroom once last time, purchase a drink for myself in a bottle (less likely to spill), and buy something to eat if necessary. If it's going to be a meal-time while we're in the air, I will buy sandwiches or whatever. If not, I make sure I have plenty of snacks (which I usually buy ahead of time). I've learned special treats (like M&Ms for our 22-month-old, Will) doled out very slowly when he's ready to lose it on the plane tend to be very helpful.
*Download Kindle books and movies before you get on the plane-otherwise you'll be out of luck in most instances. Some airlines are starting to offer wi-fi, but most charge and I'm not willing to pay for it! If your kids will wear headphones, bring them-I try not to annoy those around us with Sesame Street when possible.
*Finally, most airplanes don't have a place for you to change diapers. I've mastered changing them in my lap. It's not ideal and you have to be especially careful when you're sitting next to a stranger, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do! So suck it up and take care of your kid. Try to remember to bring some bags to put dirty/wet diapers in, or ask the flight attendants. They are usually more than happy to give you a trash bag. Sometimes I just get one from the get-go and keep it for all our trash until the end of the flight.
I hope this is helpful for someone out there! My husband is an excellent dad and does his best to help when he's able to fly places with us, but ironically I find his presence more disruptive to the flow of my routine. Of course it's more fun having him there on the plane to hold a squirmy Will, and once we get where we're going rather than having to miss having him there. Good luck and happy travels!
What are your helpful traveling hints?
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
His Brother's Lullaby
I'm pretty sure I have the two sweetest boys in the whole wide world. I know, I know, every mom thinks that about their kids. And they totally should. It's just that they're wrong and I'm right! I'm kidding, of course, but there are moments-tiny glimpses-when I think it must be true. That's usually the moment that reality comes crashing down around me, but for just awhile yesterday I was able to believe it.
My boys and I were in the car on the way home (from Target, of course, where my mom thinks I should have designated parking because I'm such a frequent shopper...and I agree). It was nearing Will's naptime and he was in his typical getting-ready-to-fall-asleep-in-the-car mode: pacifier in mouth with the handle flipped up so it rubs the tip of his nose (too cute, right?), arms straight down by his sides, and head on the side of the car seat with the thousand-yard stare. Out of nowhere, 6-year-old Charlie starts singing "Shoo Shoo" to Will. "Shoo Shoo" is the lullaby my mom sang to my brother and I when we were babies, and I sing to mine (she sings it to all her grandbabies, as well). It's her adaptation of a Peter, Paul and Mary song. I've successfully put both my children and many of my friends' kids to sleep singing it (only one friend's baby has ever been able to resist the sleep force of this song!) After a few rounds of "Shoo Shoo," Charlie started singing "Amazing Grace" to Will. This is my husband's lullaby of choice for our boys, and by age 3 Charlie knew 4 verses of it himself. I was so overwhelmed by this tender moment of my older son singer to my younger son about the Amazing Grace of our God; our son who has, in fact, been saved by that grace since he made the decision at age 3.
I prayed right then that Charlie would always be a shining example of God's grace to his little brother, that Will follows in Charlie's footsteps and accepts Christ as his Savior at a young age, and thanked Him that His promises are true. That if we teach our children about Him in all we do, that it will become part of who they are. I know there will be times when I almost can't see it, when I doubt whether our teachings have taken root, but those are the times I'll remind myself of when my baby was put to sleep by his brother's lullaby.
My boys and I were in the car on the way home (from Target, of course, where my mom thinks I should have designated parking because I'm such a frequent shopper...and I agree). It was nearing Will's naptime and he was in his typical getting-ready-to-fall-asleep-in-the-car mode: pacifier in mouth with the handle flipped up so it rubs the tip of his nose (too cute, right?), arms straight down by his sides, and head on the side of the car seat with the thousand-yard stare. Out of nowhere, 6-year-old Charlie starts singing "Shoo Shoo" to Will. "Shoo Shoo" is the lullaby my mom sang to my brother and I when we were babies, and I sing to mine (she sings it to all her grandbabies, as well). It's her adaptation of a Peter, Paul and Mary song. I've successfully put both my children and many of my friends' kids to sleep singing it (only one friend's baby has ever been able to resist the sleep force of this song!) After a few rounds of "Shoo Shoo," Charlie started singing "Amazing Grace" to Will. This is my husband's lullaby of choice for our boys, and by age 3 Charlie knew 4 verses of it himself. I was so overwhelmed by this tender moment of my older son singer to my younger son about the Amazing Grace of our God; our son who has, in fact, been saved by that grace since he made the decision at age 3.
I prayed right then that Charlie would always be a shining example of God's grace to his little brother, that Will follows in Charlie's footsteps and accepts Christ as his Savior at a young age, and thanked Him that His promises are true. That if we teach our children about Him in all we do, that it will become part of who they are. I know there will be times when I almost can't see it, when I doubt whether our teachings have taken root, but those are the times I'll remind myself of when my baby was put to sleep by his brother's lullaby.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Best. Date. Ever
A few nights ago I went on the best date ever. I'm sure some of you have been on some really great- maybe even amazing- dates. But none of them can top mine. How do I know? I wasn't flown to Paris or taken on a shopping spree, but I WAS informed by my date MULTIPLE times that it was, in fact, "the best date ever." Who was this mystery date, you ask? It was my 6-year-old son, Charlie. Charlie is a logical thinker, insightful and discerning, a rule follower, and all-boy with a sensitive heart when it comes to both himself and others. I've done my best to pay special attention to him over the past nearly-2 years since his little brother was born, and my husband has taken him places (mostly Chipotle and The Home Depot) to be his "helper", which Charlie loves. But I didn't realize until Sunday night how much he's been craving some one-on-one time with his mommy, who he had 4 1/2 years with before Will came along.
Charlie picked out a Chili's gift card for me as part of my Mother's Day gift last month, and declared that it was for the 2 of us to go out by ourselves. I immediately agreed that would be an excellent idea and was regularly looking at our calendar for a time when we could make it happen. And Charlie certainly didn't forget. Like many 6-year-olds, his brain is a sponge, so once I told him we were on for a date, he wouldn't let me forget. We finally set a date and time (Sunday at 5 pm), and of course the destination had already been chosen.
Sunday morning came and our date was all Charlie could talk about! It was so cute seeing his excitement and anticipation over spending a few hours with just me. He's old enough to remember what life was like before Will, and to be honest, I figured he didn't miss it all that much. His intense love for and friendship with his little brother ("Mister" as Charlie calls him) in conjunction with my being there with him day in and day out led me to believe he gets enough of me as it is. Apparently I was wrong, and I'm so thankful I was. I'm also thankful he let me know just how wrong. All day, Charlie watched the clock and gave me updates on the time, or how much time left until our date began. We left the house a little later than expected, but come 5:30 we were finally out of there with Justin and Will heading inside for their own dinner.
The minute we got in the car, Charlie asked to play on my phone, which I figured was a bad sign, but I let him know it would be poor date etiquette, and that the purpose of a date is to spend time with someone else and get to know them better; I officially declared the evening a phone-free zone (aside from a few pictures I took). At Chili's, we discussed our orders together, went through the games on the kids' menu, and laughed over his drawing of himself fist-pumping (the directions were to draw yourself doing something you do well). I cracked up over that one, and I'm still sad 3 days later that I forgot to bring it home with me. I asked Charlie questions- nothing deep, just things like, "What's your favorite thing that mommy cooks?" (fishsticks and sandwiches...ugh!), and "What are you most looking forward to about going to first grade?" (making new friends). I gave him some basic advice about girls and dating (always treat every girl the same, no matter how others treat her or if you think she's pretty or mean; always open doors; get her home BEFORE her curfew, not right at it and certainly not after), but mostly we just talked and laughed. When I asked him if he could do anything what would it be, his response was, "Go on a date to Chili's with you." "No, seriously, if you could go anywhere? Like Hawai'i?" "Go on a date to Chili's with you in Hawai'i." I realize that today his answer to that question would probably be different than it was in that moment, but it was so special, so important, so consuming for him that evening, that it was all he wanted to do. He mentioned it no less than 20 times, and as soon as we got home he asked when we could do it again.
To say the least, I was honored. Overwhelmed. Flattered. I was also learning. Learning the importance of that time, not just stealing a few moments during Will's nap or in the car on the way to AWANA, but time that was scheduled in advance, set aside just for him and me, so he KNEW that it was my focus and plan rather than an afterthought. After dinner that night I took him to get ice cream and we walked around the outdoor shopping center, just having a conversation. He's such a big boy, so smart, and with so many thoughts and ideas in his head. He's trying to figure the world out and place all this information that's coming into his mind in the right mental categories, and I need to make an effort to help him make sense of it all. And I also need to allow him to figure some of them out on his own. But if I don't take the time to listen to him and talk with (rather than AT) him, he'll go somewhere else for that help.
So mothers, date your sons. Fathers, date your daughters. Parents, spend time with your kids one-on-one. I know you've heard it many times from many people, but I'm telling you now it's true. It's so important and you will never regret it. It'll be your best date ever.
Charlie picked out a Chili's gift card for me as part of my Mother's Day gift last month, and declared that it was for the 2 of us to go out by ourselves. I immediately agreed that would be an excellent idea and was regularly looking at our calendar for a time when we could make it happen. And Charlie certainly didn't forget. Like many 6-year-olds, his brain is a sponge, so once I told him we were on for a date, he wouldn't let me forget. We finally set a date and time (Sunday at 5 pm), and of course the destination had already been chosen.
Sunday morning came and our date was all Charlie could talk about! It was so cute seeing his excitement and anticipation over spending a few hours with just me. He's old enough to remember what life was like before Will, and to be honest, I figured he didn't miss it all that much. His intense love for and friendship with his little brother ("Mister" as Charlie calls him) in conjunction with my being there with him day in and day out led me to believe he gets enough of me as it is. Apparently I was wrong, and I'm so thankful I was. I'm also thankful he let me know just how wrong. All day, Charlie watched the clock and gave me updates on the time, or how much time left until our date began. We left the house a little later than expected, but come 5:30 we were finally out of there with Justin and Will heading inside for their own dinner.
The minute we got in the car, Charlie asked to play on my phone, which I figured was a bad sign, but I let him know it would be poor date etiquette, and that the purpose of a date is to spend time with someone else and get to know them better; I officially declared the evening a phone-free zone (aside from a few pictures I took). At Chili's, we discussed our orders together, went through the games on the kids' menu, and laughed over his drawing of himself fist-pumping (the directions were to draw yourself doing something you do well). I cracked up over that one, and I'm still sad 3 days later that I forgot to bring it home with me. I asked Charlie questions- nothing deep, just things like, "What's your favorite thing that mommy cooks?" (fishsticks and sandwiches...ugh!), and "What are you most looking forward to about going to first grade?" (making new friends). I gave him some basic advice about girls and dating (always treat every girl the same, no matter how others treat her or if you think she's pretty or mean; always open doors; get her home BEFORE her curfew, not right at it and certainly not after), but mostly we just talked and laughed. When I asked him if he could do anything what would it be, his response was, "Go on a date to Chili's with you." "No, seriously, if you could go anywhere? Like Hawai'i?" "Go on a date to Chili's with you in Hawai'i." I realize that today his answer to that question would probably be different than it was in that moment, but it was so special, so important, so consuming for him that evening, that it was all he wanted to do. He mentioned it no less than 20 times, and as soon as we got home he asked when we could do it again.
To say the least, I was honored. Overwhelmed. Flattered. I was also learning. Learning the importance of that time, not just stealing a few moments during Will's nap or in the car on the way to AWANA, but time that was scheduled in advance, set aside just for him and me, so he KNEW that it was my focus and plan rather than an afterthought. After dinner that night I took him to get ice cream and we walked around the outdoor shopping center, just having a conversation. He's such a big boy, so smart, and with so many thoughts and ideas in his head. He's trying to figure the world out and place all this information that's coming into his mind in the right mental categories, and I need to make an effort to help him make sense of it all. And I also need to allow him to figure some of them out on his own. But if I don't take the time to listen to him and talk with (rather than AT) him, he'll go somewhere else for that help.
So mothers, date your sons. Fathers, date your daughters. Parents, spend time with your kids one-on-one. I know you've heard it many times from many people, but I'm telling you now it's true. It's so important and you will never regret it. It'll be your best date ever.
Friday, June 7, 2013
WATERMARK Plot Reveal!
Ever wonder what was on the other side of the river? If you grew up going to camp every summer in Alto Frio, Texas, I know you have. You and your friends came up with wild stories about an old man who would shoot you dead if he caught you on his land. And because you were in Texas, you knew your crazy story wasn't really all that crazy. The waiver all the campers had to sign saying they wouldn't touch the land on the other side of the Alto Frio River also lent credibility to your outrageous imaginations. Well, if you're still wondering what's really over there you clearly haven't been reading the PHANTOM ISLAND series by Krissi Dallas. Because she answers the question campers have been asking for decades: What really is on the other side of the river?
Krissi Dallas is a long-time friend of mine (we met when we both started attending Castle Hills First Baptist School as eighth graders) who also grew up going to summer camp at Alto Frio. Krissi is a smart, sassy, fun, beautiful, Godly woman who has an imagination just as wild, if not wilder than, anyone I know who's had the pleasure of spending a week each summer in Leakey, Texas. In the first PHANTOM ISLAND book, WINDCHASER, I was completely shocked by the twist this young adult book takes when some campers and counselors defy camp rules and cross to the other side of the river and end up someplace they didn't know existed. By the third book, WATERCROSSING, I realized Krissi had completely hit her stride in writing the series when I was so engrossed in the story line that I had completely forgotten who it was written by. This is an amazing feat since Krissi bases the series' main character, Whitnee, on herself, and I can hear my friend's voice saying each of Whitnee's lines.
Join the rest of those who know what the White Island is, discover which Island Tribe you belong to here, and start reading the Phantom Island series! Keep reading to see what you're missing...
<a id="rc-6d6ed20" class="rafl" href="http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/6d6ed20/" rel="nofollow">a Rafflecopter giveaway</a>
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Krissi Dallas is a long-time friend of mine (we met when we both started attending Castle Hills First Baptist School as eighth graders) who also grew up going to summer camp at Alto Frio. Krissi is a smart, sassy, fun, beautiful, Godly woman who has an imagination just as wild, if not wilder than, anyone I know who's had the pleasure of spending a week each summer in Leakey, Texas. In the first PHANTOM ISLAND book, WINDCHASER, I was completely shocked by the twist this young adult book takes when some campers and counselors defy camp rules and cross to the other side of the river and end up someplace they didn't know existed. By the third book, WATERCROSSING, I realized Krissi had completely hit her stride in writing the series when I was so engrossed in the story line that I had completely forgotten who it was written by. This is an amazing feat since Krissi bases the series' main character, Whitnee, on herself, and I can hear my friend's voice saying each of Whitnee's lines.
***Excerpt:
I stared at her in frustration. “What is with you?!” I exploded. She was not acting like my best friend.
Like my Morgan. “You’ve been so
different this summer, and I don’t get it!”
“Well, you’ve been different too! People change, you know,” she
snapped back.
“If I’ve changed, fine. But at least I’m still honest with you.
You, however, have turned into a liar! If we don’t have trust between us, then
what do we have, Morgan?”
Join the rest of those who know what the White Island is, discover which Island Tribe you belong to here, and start reading the Phantom Island series! Keep reading to see what you're missing...
***Plot Synopsis:
Relationships on the White Island are
volatile and Whitnee, Morgan, and Caleb aren’t sure who they can trust—even
each other. Politicians are lying, history is being rewritten, and motives are
questionable. Whitnee sets out with Gabriel and a band of rebel spies to take
back the enemy's biggest weapon—Whitnee's father. However, a shocking turn of
events proves once again that the Island's secrets have the power to destroy
more than just the truth. Separated from her friends, Whitnee battles her own
fears in order to survive and protect the ones she loves. But when Morgan's
illness finally comes to light, Whitnee faces a decision that could alter her
future—and Morgan’s—forever. And whether she ultimately stays on the Island or
leaves might not be her choice, after all.
“…[An] earnest tale of magic and romance that
deals with the great distance between pain and recovery.” –Kirkus Reviews
(Windchaser, Phantom Island Book 1)
***Meet the Author:
Krissi Dallas loves pop music,
mismatched socks, and fried chicken. She lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her
youth minister husband, Sam, and their two wicked Yorkies, Elphie and Luna.
Krissi enjoys hanging out with her quirky middle school students and building
the dramatic, magical, and mysterious world that makes up the Phantom Island
series. Be sure to check out Windchaser, Windfall, and Watercrossing. Krissi loves connecting with teens, as well as readers and
writers of all ages! You can stalk her online at www.KrissiDallas.com.
If you like free stuff (and really, who doesn't?!?) you can enter to win the first three books in the PHANTOM ISLAND series, the new WATERMARK book, a t-shirt, or an autographed copy of THE COLLECTOR by Tori Scott. By doing the tribe quiz, you automatically get an extra entry in the giveaway! Enter here:
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Thursday, April 18, 2013
Is Jesus Enough?
One of the most common things I hear as a military spouse is, "I just couldn't do it!" I'm sure some people feel like they're offering a compliment by indicating that I'm a stronger person than they are, while others spout it off as a trite response to me telling them my husband is in the Air Force. Some probably truly believe what they're saying- that a life of separation due to TDYs and deployments would leave them lonely and alone more often than they'd care to be, and the fear of their husband (or wife) being in harm's way because of their job is more than they think they can handle. But I can tell you this: I'm not some amazingly strong person with excellent coping mechanisms. In fact, if you were to ask a psychologist they'd probably tell you my coping mechanisms are more like avoidance mechanisms at times. And there are times where I absolutely hate having my husband gone for days at a time, but there are also times where I relish the time alone. Yes, I have kids, but I'm alone with them during the day anyway, so the time at night and on weekends is all that's different when he's away. That doesn't mean I don't miss him, or that I don't enjoy having him around. It's that I've always been someone who likes some alone time every now and then, and I enjoy the relative freedom that it offers on occasion.
However, these things aren't what get me through life as a military spouse (or even life in general). Early on in our marriage, I was at a low point. We had just moved to a new place, base housing wasn't yet available so we lived in an apartment and knew no one, and the Iraq war was just kicking off. My husband was on a flying mission somewhere overseas and, as was typical for him, would call me every day or two. When he was going somewhere where he wouldn't be able to call me, he would simply let me know it would be a few days before I heard from him again. I was okay with this. As long as I wasn't expecting a call, I wouldn't panic if I didn't hear from him. And there were times when I wouldn't hear from him for a few days in a row. But one of these times I didn't hear from him when I was supposed to, and I started to worry a little. The next day he didn't call, and I was getting concerned. The day after that, I started to panic. It was a Sunday morning and I was getting ready for church, and as I washed my hair in the shower I started to lose it. I don't mean I was sad so I started to cry. I mean I had a whole variety of awful things that could have happened to my husband running through my head and had a complete and total breakdown, sobbing and crying out loud to God, asking Him to make these things I had conjured up in my imagination not true, and to let me hear from Justin. And still the phone didn't ring. As I stood there crying in the shower, I realized that God was there. He was listening. I knew without a doubt that I wasn't just talking to the water running over my face. I was calling out to an omnipresent God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, and that He loved me and cared for me and was listening to my cries. And that is when it hit me: He hasn't left me. He will never leave me. Even when my husband leaves me, whether it's because of work or, God-forbid a tragedy that leaves me suddenly alone, the Lord will still be there by my side. He promised His people in Joshua 1:9 that He would be with them wherever they went, and that promise holds true for His people today. According to Deuteronomy 31, He will never leave us or forsake us. When it feels like we are all alone, that there is no one there for us, God is. So I had to ask myself: Is Jesus enough? Can I go through this life married to a man in a potentially dangerous job, trusting that I will be okay no matter what happens to us? Do I truly believe the words I sing to Him- that He's all I want, all I need, that He's more than enough for me? Because if I can't back those words up then I better stop singing them. Right then and there I realized that yes, He is enough for me. When nothing else in life seems right, when everything is scary and upside-down, Jesus will still be enough. He will carry me through any situation He allows to come into my life and, as a result, I will be okay. And do you know what happened as soon as I gave this sacrifice of faith up to the Lord? The phone rang. My husband was completely fine, just stuck in a place where the phone operators were asking them to pay cash before using the phone. The story from his side is actually comical to me now, and I know the Lord was just using those old babushkas to hold him up in his calling me until I released my fears to Him. God also reminded me before it was all over that if something were to happen to Justin, I wouldn't be left wondering. I would be notified and that He would be right there to shore me up.
So let me caution you, if you are a believer, before you tell someone that you "just can't" do something, ask yourself: Is Jesus enough? Do I mean what I say when I sing those worship songs? Do I trust His Word enough to place my life in His hands? It's easy to say, "Yes Lord, I want to go to Heaven. Save me from my sins." It's a whole other thing to actually step out in faith with the tangible, to place your marriage and the life of your spouse (and other loved ones) in His hands and say, "I can do this because I have Jesus and He is enough."
However, these things aren't what get me through life as a military spouse (or even life in general). Early on in our marriage, I was at a low point. We had just moved to a new place, base housing wasn't yet available so we lived in an apartment and knew no one, and the Iraq war was just kicking off. My husband was on a flying mission somewhere overseas and, as was typical for him, would call me every day or two. When he was going somewhere where he wouldn't be able to call me, he would simply let me know it would be a few days before I heard from him again. I was okay with this. As long as I wasn't expecting a call, I wouldn't panic if I didn't hear from him. And there were times when I wouldn't hear from him for a few days in a row. But one of these times I didn't hear from him when I was supposed to, and I started to worry a little. The next day he didn't call, and I was getting concerned. The day after that, I started to panic. It was a Sunday morning and I was getting ready for church, and as I washed my hair in the shower I started to lose it. I don't mean I was sad so I started to cry. I mean I had a whole variety of awful things that could have happened to my husband running through my head and had a complete and total breakdown, sobbing and crying out loud to God, asking Him to make these things I had conjured up in my imagination not true, and to let me hear from Justin. And still the phone didn't ring. As I stood there crying in the shower, I realized that God was there. He was listening. I knew without a doubt that I wasn't just talking to the water running over my face. I was calling out to an omnipresent God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, and that He loved me and cared for me and was listening to my cries. And that is when it hit me: He hasn't left me. He will never leave me. Even when my husband leaves me, whether it's because of work or, God-forbid a tragedy that leaves me suddenly alone, the Lord will still be there by my side. He promised His people in Joshua 1:9 that He would be with them wherever they went, and that promise holds true for His people today. According to Deuteronomy 31, He will never leave us or forsake us. When it feels like we are all alone, that there is no one there for us, God is. So I had to ask myself: Is Jesus enough? Can I go through this life married to a man in a potentially dangerous job, trusting that I will be okay no matter what happens to us? Do I truly believe the words I sing to Him- that He's all I want, all I need, that He's more than enough for me? Because if I can't back those words up then I better stop singing them. Right then and there I realized that yes, He is enough for me. When nothing else in life seems right, when everything is scary and upside-down, Jesus will still be enough. He will carry me through any situation He allows to come into my life and, as a result, I will be okay. And do you know what happened as soon as I gave this sacrifice of faith up to the Lord? The phone rang. My husband was completely fine, just stuck in a place where the phone operators were asking them to pay cash before using the phone. The story from his side is actually comical to me now, and I know the Lord was just using those old babushkas to hold him up in his calling me until I released my fears to Him. God also reminded me before it was all over that if something were to happen to Justin, I wouldn't be left wondering. I would be notified and that He would be right there to shore me up.
So let me caution you, if you are a believer, before you tell someone that you "just can't" do something, ask yourself: Is Jesus enough? Do I mean what I say when I sing those worship songs? Do I trust His Word enough to place my life in His hands? It's easy to say, "Yes Lord, I want to go to Heaven. Save me from my sins." It's a whole other thing to actually step out in faith with the tangible, to place your marriage and the life of your spouse (and other loved ones) in His hands and say, "I can do this because I have Jesus and He is enough."
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Words They Need to Hear
It occurred to me recently that I have become the mom who spends most of her time trying to manage her kids and move them on to the next thing, rather than the mom who spends most of her time with her kids. I realize there are times when you have to be that mom, entire days even, simply because life is life and that is sometimes how it goes. But I don't want to be the mom I had become: hurry up and eat breakfast in front of the TV while I get ready so we can run errands; hurry up (Will) and take a nap so Charlie can do schoolwork uninterrupted; hurry up (Will) and wake up from naptime so I can vacuum or take a walk or do something else that naptime inhibits; hurry up and eat dinner so we can bathe you both and put you to bed. I realized I was spending so little time actually talking to or with my kids, and was mostly talking at them. More like yelling, if I'm being honest. But kids need to hear our words. They get to where there is so much noise coming at them that they start to tune us out. And we only have so much time to tell them so many things. Soon they'll be hearing what other people have to say, and they won't be yelled at. These things will be whispered into their minds, thoughts that they aren't loved, aren't special, aren't smart or funny or worthy. Those are the things that will take a foothold if we aren't careful. Before the world starts trying to get a grasp on their minds and hearts, we need to help them find their identity and worth in something greater than what the world has to offer. We need to say, "I love you." There are no greater words our children can hear from us. Knowing you're loved makes you feel special, important, worthy, cared for. It gives an identity- a sense of belonging. It tells them they're part of your family, whatever that may look like. And when you're a part of something in which you know you're important, you are less likely to go look for that elsewhere.
I'm ashamed to admit that I had failed to tell our 1 1/2 year old son that I loved him for several days in a row. It hit me one day, and that was when I came to this conclusion. I can give my boys all the hugs and kisses in the world, take them to do fun things, and tell them they're smart, funny, handsome and sweet- but if I neglect to tell them that I love them, none of the other stuff has any credence. So tell your kids that you love them. Every day. It will cover a multitude of hurts and sadnesses, and will give them a platform from which they can go out into the big world and ward off those whispers that say anything to the contrary.
I'm ashamed to admit that I had failed to tell our 1 1/2 year old son that I loved him for several days in a row. It hit me one day, and that was when I came to this conclusion. I can give my boys all the hugs and kisses in the world, take them to do fun things, and tell them they're smart, funny, handsome and sweet- but if I neglect to tell them that I love them, none of the other stuff has any credence. So tell your kids that you love them. Every day. It will cover a multitude of hurts and sadnesses, and will give them a platform from which they can go out into the big world and ward off those whispers that say anything to the contrary.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Overexposure and Our Sacred Bodies
Lately I feel like so much about people's bodies have been in my face. Pinterest, Facebook, TV, magazines, books and movies; even my own efforts to lose baby weight have put thoughts of flesh on my mind nearly constantly. All of this has got me thinking about how, as believers in Christ, our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19-20) and what that means for me as a woman in general, and more specifically a wife and mother, and even as a friend.
Our culture is so focused on the physical and there is truly no place we can turn (short of living a secluded, Amish-type lifestyle) that we won't encounter a wide variety of in-your-face flesh. I'm not just talking about sex, though as everyone knows and the saying goes, it sells, and all manner of businesses are taking advantage of that these days. Insurance companies, car dealerships, and so many others are using people's bodies to draw business for themselves. But it's more than that. We're posting pictures of ourselves with our "new" bodies, whether it's weight loss or a boob job, a piercing or tattoo, even pregnancy photos...we (and I say "we" because I too am guilty of this) feel the need to share ourselves physically. With everyone. I'm not saying posting pictures of ourselves is always a bad thing; I am extremely grateful that despite our military life that takes us away from friends and family, I get to see changes in them as time passes. I don't miss out on the great new haircuts or the first birthday parties; I can see my friends' bellies grow along with the precious babies in their wombs. And I can share all these things about my life with them. But somehow in the midst of all this, are we getting too comfortable with each other? Are we so overexposed to others' personal affairs, including their flesh, that we are losing a sense of the sacredness of our bodies?
As a mother of boys, I find it a relief that we don't have many clothing battles to fight. Other than telling our 6-year-old he can't wear high-water sweatpants in public ("But they're comfortable!"), we usually don't argue over what he wears. And our 19-month-old fights us only because he's a toddler and that's what his little brain tells him to do, not because he's particularly offended by my shirt choice for him that day. I'm not exactly fond of the many boys' clothes with skateboards, skulls and crossbones these days (my tastes tend to run more classic/preppy), but I don't find them offensive in a way that makes me think they physically overexpose my kids. I truly feel for mothers of daughters trying to find appropriate clothing for them to wear, even just for school. I've heard so many of my friends complain that it's nearly impossible to find age-appropriate clothes for their elementary school-age daughters. Maybe it's just because kids clothes weren't so closely matched with adult fashion trends when I was growing up, or maybe it's because adult fashion trends were less revealing than they are now, but I don't remember that being a problem when I was little. The only times I remember it being an issue even a little bit is during swimsuit shopping, when my mom would comment on bikinis designed for little girls. And I have to say I agree with her. I beg of you, parents of little girls, don't dress your daughter for the beach or pool in something that looks like it was designed for a Victoria's Secret model. Let them be little. There is time enough for them to realize their bodies will be considered by so many a sex object and nothing more. For now, though, just let them be comfortable running around and building sand castles without worrying about whether their triangle top is in the right place.
On the flip side of mothering boys, I realize that while they're watching their dad more to figure out what kind of man they want to be as they grow up, they'll be looking to me to figure out what kind of women they want to marry. Let me tell you- that is some scary stuff. We most definitely pray for our children's future spouses, but we are modeling for them now what type of marriage relationship they will have later. Do I want them to think their wives are beautiful? Absolutely. Do I want to set an example that she should always be fretting about her weight, hair, clothes, and makeup? Absolutely not. I want my sons to know that the quality of her character should far outshine any physical assets she brings to the table, and that's not a lesson I can just pay lip service to. I'm definitely not there yet, but am constantly striving to keep an open line of communication about who someone is on the inside being more important than what they're like on the outside. Especially when my son asks me about my counting calories and working out to lose weight.
I honestly don't know where the line is on some things when it comes to honoring God with our bodies. I believe a lot of that falls into the area of what is right for some may not be right for others, though some of it is laid out for us in Scripture. We do need to keep in mind, though, that others are watching us. Non-believers and believers alike, including our children. How we treat our bodies will affect how our children treat their bodies as well as the bodies of their future boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. It will also affect others in being drawn to or turned away from us as Christians, and can cause those with a less mature faith to either be strengthened or to stumble. I believe that married women should dress for their husbands. That means dress in a way that pleases him and yes, makes you more attractive to him; but it should also signal to others that you are in fact a married woman and that your body is your husband's. Make him proud to have you on his arm. All women should dress for other married women. By that I mean keep in mind the fact that many men out there are married, and by showing too much skin, you make other wives insecure and other husbands enticed to look at someone other than their own wives. Keep in mind single men, too. They're called to keep their thoughts pure, and need to save their hearts and minds for their future wives. That's nearly impossible to do in this day and age. Don't make it any harder on them than it already is. Dress for young women; let them see that you can be cute without showing everything off. And don't just value your own body; teach your children to do the same. It's theirs, set apart for the one true holy God and the spouse He has set aside for them.
We have such a great responsibility when it comes to the bodies God's given us, and the opportunities to act irresponsibly with them are endless. Be careful of what you share and who you share it with. There are things that you can never get back. What has been seen can't be unseen. First Corinthians tells us we were bought at a price, which is the blood of Christ. That's far too costly for us to be so cavalier with sharing what should be kept sacred.
Our culture is so focused on the physical and there is truly no place we can turn (short of living a secluded, Amish-type lifestyle) that we won't encounter a wide variety of in-your-face flesh. I'm not just talking about sex, though as everyone knows and the saying goes, it sells, and all manner of businesses are taking advantage of that these days. Insurance companies, car dealerships, and so many others are using people's bodies to draw business for themselves. But it's more than that. We're posting pictures of ourselves with our "new" bodies, whether it's weight loss or a boob job, a piercing or tattoo, even pregnancy photos...we (and I say "we" because I too am guilty of this) feel the need to share ourselves physically. With everyone. I'm not saying posting pictures of ourselves is always a bad thing; I am extremely grateful that despite our military life that takes us away from friends and family, I get to see changes in them as time passes. I don't miss out on the great new haircuts or the first birthday parties; I can see my friends' bellies grow along with the precious babies in their wombs. And I can share all these things about my life with them. But somehow in the midst of all this, are we getting too comfortable with each other? Are we so overexposed to others' personal affairs, including their flesh, that we are losing a sense of the sacredness of our bodies?
As a mother of boys, I find it a relief that we don't have many clothing battles to fight. Other than telling our 6-year-old he can't wear high-water sweatpants in public ("But they're comfortable!"), we usually don't argue over what he wears. And our 19-month-old fights us only because he's a toddler and that's what his little brain tells him to do, not because he's particularly offended by my shirt choice for him that day. I'm not exactly fond of the many boys' clothes with skateboards, skulls and crossbones these days (my tastes tend to run more classic/preppy), but I don't find them offensive in a way that makes me think they physically overexpose my kids. I truly feel for mothers of daughters trying to find appropriate clothing for them to wear, even just for school. I've heard so many of my friends complain that it's nearly impossible to find age-appropriate clothes for their elementary school-age daughters. Maybe it's just because kids clothes weren't so closely matched with adult fashion trends when I was growing up, or maybe it's because adult fashion trends were less revealing than they are now, but I don't remember that being a problem when I was little. The only times I remember it being an issue even a little bit is during swimsuit shopping, when my mom would comment on bikinis designed for little girls. And I have to say I agree with her. I beg of you, parents of little girls, don't dress your daughter for the beach or pool in something that looks like it was designed for a Victoria's Secret model. Let them be little. There is time enough for them to realize their bodies will be considered by so many a sex object and nothing more. For now, though, just let them be comfortable running around and building sand castles without worrying about whether their triangle top is in the right place.
On the flip side of mothering boys, I realize that while they're watching their dad more to figure out what kind of man they want to be as they grow up, they'll be looking to me to figure out what kind of women they want to marry. Let me tell you- that is some scary stuff. We most definitely pray for our children's future spouses, but we are modeling for them now what type of marriage relationship they will have later. Do I want them to think their wives are beautiful? Absolutely. Do I want to set an example that she should always be fretting about her weight, hair, clothes, and makeup? Absolutely not. I want my sons to know that the quality of her character should far outshine any physical assets she brings to the table, and that's not a lesson I can just pay lip service to. I'm definitely not there yet, but am constantly striving to keep an open line of communication about who someone is on the inside being more important than what they're like on the outside. Especially when my son asks me about my counting calories and working out to lose weight.
I honestly don't know where the line is on some things when it comes to honoring God with our bodies. I believe a lot of that falls into the area of what is right for some may not be right for others, though some of it is laid out for us in Scripture. We do need to keep in mind, though, that others are watching us. Non-believers and believers alike, including our children. How we treat our bodies will affect how our children treat their bodies as well as the bodies of their future boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. It will also affect others in being drawn to or turned away from us as Christians, and can cause those with a less mature faith to either be strengthened or to stumble. I believe that married women should dress for their husbands. That means dress in a way that pleases him and yes, makes you more attractive to him; but it should also signal to others that you are in fact a married woman and that your body is your husband's. Make him proud to have you on his arm. All women should dress for other married women. By that I mean keep in mind the fact that many men out there are married, and by showing too much skin, you make other wives insecure and other husbands enticed to look at someone other than their own wives. Keep in mind single men, too. They're called to keep their thoughts pure, and need to save their hearts and minds for their future wives. That's nearly impossible to do in this day and age. Don't make it any harder on them than it already is. Dress for young women; let them see that you can be cute without showing everything off. And don't just value your own body; teach your children to do the same. It's theirs, set apart for the one true holy God and the spouse He has set aside for them.
We have such a great responsibility when it comes to the bodies God's given us, and the opportunities to act irresponsibly with them are endless. Be careful of what you share and who you share it with. There are things that you can never get back. What has been seen can't be unseen. First Corinthians tells us we were bought at a price, which is the blood of Christ. That's far too costly for us to be so cavalier with sharing what should be kept sacred.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Voice of Truth
The other day as I was getting ready, I looked in the mirror and felt overwhelmed with life. I'm in my 30s and my face seems to be a contradiction of itself- breakouts like I'm still in middle school combined with newly formed laugh lines and crows feet. My body is a far cry from what it used to be after 4 pregnancies- 3 of which were within a 2-year span, 2 of which resulted in miscarriages. Though I lost the mere 7 pounds I had gained during my fourth pregnancy rather quickly, I'm still working on the leftovers from my pregnancy with Will, our 19-month-old. My efforts over the past couple months have been successful and I'm headed in the right direction, but just once I'd like to finish a workout, immediately turn to the side while looking at myself in the mirror, and be able to think, "Hey! Those crunches really worked!" Unfortunately, that's not the way it works, and the same goes for parenting. We do our best to teach our kids what we think they need to know in life, but for the time being we have no clue if it's getting through or how they'll turn out as adults.
So there I was, frustrated with life in general, and I asked God for a Word. Something that would speak to me, encourage me, tell me it all counts for something and that my efforts of parenting, exercising, trying to honor and love my husband, and all the other big and small things of day-to-day life are worth it. I was listening to K-Love on my iPhone app (because the greater Washington, D.C. area doesn't have a station- what's up with that?) and the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns was playing. I looked down at the screen and saw the verse of the day was Galatians 6:9, which says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." I attended a Christian high school where we had a science teacher, Mr. Owen, who had us memorize this verse and write it at the end of every quiz and test he gave us. So to me this verse has always had a specific meaning for me- study hard, get a good grade. Now, I realize that's not the point of the Scripture or even what Mr. Owen was trying to teach us, but that has always been my association for it. But as I listened to the words of that song, thought about the verse, and reviewed my life as it is right now, I realized that the voice of Truth, the voice of the Lord, was telling me that what I'm doing right now matters. Doing the little things to make my husband happy- fixing the coffee at night so he can have a hot cup first thing in the morning, making the bed every day before he gets home from work, doing my best to manage our finances wisely while I'm shopping at the commissary or Target; working out and eating healthy not to look hot or turn heads, but to set a good example for my children and take care of this bodily temple in which resides the Holy Spirit; loving my children- whether that comes in the form of playing on the floor with them, letting them figure things out on their own so they can become independent, or disciplining them even when it hurts...these things matter. What could be more important to me than raising my children to walk with the Lord?
It has taken weeks- months even- of hard work, but the weight I gained while pregnant is coming off, and I'm feeling healthier. My husband says my countenance has changed. He actually used that word- countenance. He also thanks me repeatedly for taking care of the coffee, because it's one less responsibility on his very full plate. Our boys love each other- immensely- and our older son Charlie asks deep, and I mean deep, theological questions, because we are talking about God with him all the time. Any chance we have to tie something to the Bible or God's character, we do. And I'm noticing it. There are certainly days when I look at myself and feel like all my hard work in so many areas isn't making a dent in the big scheme of things, but the Bible promises, specifically in Galatians 6:9, that it will pay off...if we do not give up. It just may not happen when I want it to. But if I stick with it, if I persevere, forge ahead even when I don't feel like it, God will be faithful to bring about change in my life and the life of my family. And that, I know without a doubt, is truth.
So there I was, frustrated with life in general, and I asked God for a Word. Something that would speak to me, encourage me, tell me it all counts for something and that my efforts of parenting, exercising, trying to honor and love my husband, and all the other big and small things of day-to-day life are worth it. I was listening to K-Love on my iPhone app (because the greater Washington, D.C. area doesn't have a station- what's up with that?) and the song "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns was playing. I looked down at the screen and saw the verse of the day was Galatians 6:9, which says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." I attended a Christian high school where we had a science teacher, Mr. Owen, who had us memorize this verse and write it at the end of every quiz and test he gave us. So to me this verse has always had a specific meaning for me- study hard, get a good grade. Now, I realize that's not the point of the Scripture or even what Mr. Owen was trying to teach us, but that has always been my association for it. But as I listened to the words of that song, thought about the verse, and reviewed my life as it is right now, I realized that the voice of Truth, the voice of the Lord, was telling me that what I'm doing right now matters. Doing the little things to make my husband happy- fixing the coffee at night so he can have a hot cup first thing in the morning, making the bed every day before he gets home from work, doing my best to manage our finances wisely while I'm shopping at the commissary or Target; working out and eating healthy not to look hot or turn heads, but to set a good example for my children and take care of this bodily temple in which resides the Holy Spirit; loving my children- whether that comes in the form of playing on the floor with them, letting them figure things out on their own so they can become independent, or disciplining them even when it hurts...these things matter. What could be more important to me than raising my children to walk with the Lord?
It has taken weeks- months even- of hard work, but the weight I gained while pregnant is coming off, and I'm feeling healthier. My husband says my countenance has changed. He actually used that word- countenance. He also thanks me repeatedly for taking care of the coffee, because it's one less responsibility on his very full plate. Our boys love each other- immensely- and our older son Charlie asks deep, and I mean deep, theological questions, because we are talking about God with him all the time. Any chance we have to tie something to the Bible or God's character, we do. And I'm noticing it. There are certainly days when I look at myself and feel like all my hard work in so many areas isn't making a dent in the big scheme of things, but the Bible promises, specifically in Galatians 6:9, that it will pay off...if we do not give up. It just may not happen when I want it to. But if I stick with it, if I persevere, forge ahead even when I don't feel like it, God will be faithful to bring about change in my life and the life of my family. And that, I know without a doubt, is truth.
Mommy Rules
Mommy Rules
There are a few "mommy rules" I've come up with over the past 6 years of my parenting experience. I know parenting is a fluid thing; methods and expectations change as your kids grow and change. But there are some things life has taught me- a few are my own personal guidelines and some I learned from friends or even my own parents.
1) When you wake up with a child in the middle of the night, always go to the bathroom before tending to them. Always. EVERY single time I break this rule of mine, I regret it. Those are the times you don't just have to locate the pacifier and return it to your wailing baby; those are the times your baby is screaming because a tooth is trying to poke its way through their gums and you can't find the Orajel and you fear if you stop to take a potty break their head might actually explode because they're crying so hard. Those are the times you go in to find vomit all over your toddler's crib and they refuse to let you put them down, your husband is TDY, and you have to change their sheets one-handed.
This mommy rule leads me to a mommy truth I realized one day when I was putting our 18-month-old down for a nap and he needed a little rocking before willingly going to bed. We had just gotten home and I carried his almost-limp body to his room; I needed to pee but didn't want to delay the putting-to-bed process for fear that day's nap might not happen at all. Mom's have more bladder control than they ever knew possible. You will do anything, even consider how bad it would be if you actually peed your pants in your 30s (without sneezing or jumping first), before disrupting that almost-asleep child in your arms. Thankfully I was able to get him settled before I had to do a deep-cleaning of our rocking chair.
2) Trust your instincts. Doctors are smart people, and they have a lot of great knowledge and information floating around in their heads. Friends and family love you and want to help. But you are your child's parent. You know them better than anyone else...you can read their body language, interpret their babbles, and understand each of their different cries. You know when your kindergartener has a reason to want to exaggerate his aches and pains, or minimize them- a fear of medical treatment or of missing out on an anticipated activity. If you think something is wrong, bug the doctors until they're willing to listen. If you know everything is normal, ignore the well-intentioned musings of others. This isn't to say you shouldn't seek advice or help from others, or that parents aren't sometimes in denial about the truth about their kids. But generally speaking, mommy (or daddy) knows best. So work under that assumption. It will seriously decrease your mommy guilt.
3) Speaking of mommy guilt, breathe. I know there is so much out there to distract us these days, and I do believe that when we're with our kids we should do our best to be with our kids. Most of the time. But sometimes we need to NOT be with our kids. When Charlie was an infant and toddler, he was a great napper: same time almost every day, for the same amount of time almost every day. I was a seriously blessed first-time mommy. But some days he refused to nap, or for whatever reason would fight sleep with screaming and crying. Those were always the days I needed a break, a chance to breathe. A friend gave me great advice that I've shared with lots of friends since then- put him in the crib and step outside. Take the monitor, but turn it off. I would take a book, sit on our back porch, and read a chapter at a time. After each chapter, I would turn the monitor back on to see if it was "safe" to go inside- if I could go in and not have to listen to his screaming. I would set a chapter limit for myself-usually about 5, which would take about 30 minutes for me to read. I figured by the end of half an hour, if he was asleep that was great; if he wasn't, I'd had a good break with some quiet time to myself and could go back and start fresh with him. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder; I believe this is true with kids and not just adults. Taking a few minutes to breathe and regroup will make you a better mom, and help keep you from feeling resentful or overwhelmed during the day.
4) Don't underestimate daddy guilt. So much talk is taking place about mommy guilt, I think people underestimate the reality of daddy guilt. For some it's because they're the main caregiver, which I'm sure comes with its own set of issues. Not being the sole provider, or not having the traditional role as the man and head of the family may bother some men. And those men have the equivalent of stay-at-home mommy guilt on top of that. The daddy guilt that takes place in our home is my husband wondering if he's spending enough time after work and over the weekends with our kids; wondering if he's asking too much to play golf every now and then on the weekend, or to go to the gym a few times a week before heading home for dinner. I know my husband experiences these fears because of how many times he asks if it's okay for him to make a run to Home Depot or Lowe's before he actually gets in his truck and goes. While I sometimes am jealous of his ability to take for granted his time alone in traffic at the end of a hectic work day (which he despises), I need to remember that he has a load of responsibility on his shoulders I can't even fathom, and I don't need to add to his frustrations and fears by dogging him about doing more.
5) Take advantage of nice weather. This seems obvious, but it's easy for me to get bogged down in daily tasks and trying to cross things off my to-do list and forget to let my kids be kids and enjoy the great outdoors. Even if it means I make a freezer meal for dinner that night or skip vacuuming the floors that day, we will all be happier and healthier (and don't forget sleep better) if we've had a little exercise out in the sunshine.
6) Tell your kids they can never do anything to make you stop loving them. And mean it. I was told this many times growing up, often after a teary discussion about whatever discipline I was receiving for my disobedience or a lecture on why my parents were disappointed in my behavior. Sometimes in a mushy mother-daughter moment. But I always knew my parents loved me and that it wouldn't change for anything. Not only did that knowledge give me a sense of security growing up, but it drove me to want to please my parents even more by obeying them.
7) Never be jealous when your children willingly go to other people or seem to prefer being with them because they'll always love you best. This is a lesson my Granny taught my mom, and my mom taught me. And reminding myself of this helps me be able to hand my kids over to the nursery workers at church on Sunday mornings, leave them with trustworthy babysitters, and allow people who need to be part of their lives that I don't have the best of relationships with to hold and play with them. Being loved by more people than just those in your home will give your children a sense of love and acceptance they need and crave. But you're they're mommy- they'll always love you best.
8) My mom once wisely told me that I didn't need to share my negative opinions about others with my kids. She said they're smart, they'll figure it out on their own. And you know what? She's right. I'm sure they will as they grow up and learn to hear more than just the words being said, but what's behind them. If the time comes when they're mature enough to know the truth about certain histories and those truths will guide them in making positive life decisions, then we can share those things. But for the meantime, it's my responsibility to let them enjoy the harmless positive attention they receive from those people.
9) If you teach your kids to behave in your home the way you want them to behave in others' homes, life will be so much simpler. There will always be those who expect more of your children than you do, and there will always be those who allow your children (or theirs) to be animals compared to what you would expect. But if you train your kids to act appropriately on a regular basis while at home, then when you send them out into the world- school, church, friends' homes, you don't need to wait with baited breath to see what the adults who've been supervising them have to say about how they were. You may even be pleasantly surprised at the compliments you receive over their behavior.
10) Pray for your children. This is really the most important of all- because as much as we want to put a bubble around them to protect them from the evil in this world, we can't. But we can send them out of our homes knowing they're being protected by One who loves them even more than we do and wants no harm to come to them. That doesn't mean it won't. They will still get sick, be teased, have trouble in school...but they will be in the care of the One who created them. And I can't think of anything better than that.
There are a few "mommy rules" I've come up with over the past 6 years of my parenting experience. I know parenting is a fluid thing; methods and expectations change as your kids grow and change. But there are some things life has taught me- a few are my own personal guidelines and some I learned from friends or even my own parents.
1) When you wake up with a child in the middle of the night, always go to the bathroom before tending to them. Always. EVERY single time I break this rule of mine, I regret it. Those are the times you don't just have to locate the pacifier and return it to your wailing baby; those are the times your baby is screaming because a tooth is trying to poke its way through their gums and you can't find the Orajel and you fear if you stop to take a potty break their head might actually explode because they're crying so hard. Those are the times you go in to find vomit all over your toddler's crib and they refuse to let you put them down, your husband is TDY, and you have to change their sheets one-handed.
This mommy rule leads me to a mommy truth I realized one day when I was putting our 18-month-old down for a nap and he needed a little rocking before willingly going to bed. We had just gotten home and I carried his almost-limp body to his room; I needed to pee but didn't want to delay the putting-to-bed process for fear that day's nap might not happen at all. Mom's have more bladder control than they ever knew possible. You will do anything, even consider how bad it would be if you actually peed your pants in your 30s (without sneezing or jumping first), before disrupting that almost-asleep child in your arms. Thankfully I was able to get him settled before I had to do a deep-cleaning of our rocking chair.
2) Trust your instincts. Doctors are smart people, and they have a lot of great knowledge and information floating around in their heads. Friends and family love you and want to help. But you are your child's parent. You know them better than anyone else...you can read their body language, interpret their babbles, and understand each of their different cries. You know when your kindergartener has a reason to want to exaggerate his aches and pains, or minimize them- a fear of medical treatment or of missing out on an anticipated activity. If you think something is wrong, bug the doctors until they're willing to listen. If you know everything is normal, ignore the well-intentioned musings of others. This isn't to say you shouldn't seek advice or help from others, or that parents aren't sometimes in denial about the truth about their kids. But generally speaking, mommy (or daddy) knows best. So work under that assumption. It will seriously decrease your mommy guilt.
3) Speaking of mommy guilt, breathe. I know there is so much out there to distract us these days, and I do believe that when we're with our kids we should do our best to be with our kids. Most of the time. But sometimes we need to NOT be with our kids. When Charlie was an infant and toddler, he was a great napper: same time almost every day, for the same amount of time almost every day. I was a seriously blessed first-time mommy. But some days he refused to nap, or for whatever reason would fight sleep with screaming and crying. Those were always the days I needed a break, a chance to breathe. A friend gave me great advice that I've shared with lots of friends since then- put him in the crib and step outside. Take the monitor, but turn it off. I would take a book, sit on our back porch, and read a chapter at a time. After each chapter, I would turn the monitor back on to see if it was "safe" to go inside- if I could go in and not have to listen to his screaming. I would set a chapter limit for myself-usually about 5, which would take about 30 minutes for me to read. I figured by the end of half an hour, if he was asleep that was great; if he wasn't, I'd had a good break with some quiet time to myself and could go back and start fresh with him. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder; I believe this is true with kids and not just adults. Taking a few minutes to breathe and regroup will make you a better mom, and help keep you from feeling resentful or overwhelmed during the day.
4) Don't underestimate daddy guilt. So much talk is taking place about mommy guilt, I think people underestimate the reality of daddy guilt. For some it's because they're the main caregiver, which I'm sure comes with its own set of issues. Not being the sole provider, or not having the traditional role as the man and head of the family may bother some men. And those men have the equivalent of stay-at-home mommy guilt on top of that. The daddy guilt that takes place in our home is my husband wondering if he's spending enough time after work and over the weekends with our kids; wondering if he's asking too much to play golf every now and then on the weekend, or to go to the gym a few times a week before heading home for dinner. I know my husband experiences these fears because of how many times he asks if it's okay for him to make a run to Home Depot or Lowe's before he actually gets in his truck and goes. While I sometimes am jealous of his ability to take for granted his time alone in traffic at the end of a hectic work day (which he despises), I need to remember that he has a load of responsibility on his shoulders I can't even fathom, and I don't need to add to his frustrations and fears by dogging him about doing more.
5) Take advantage of nice weather. This seems obvious, but it's easy for me to get bogged down in daily tasks and trying to cross things off my to-do list and forget to let my kids be kids and enjoy the great outdoors. Even if it means I make a freezer meal for dinner that night or skip vacuuming the floors that day, we will all be happier and healthier (and don't forget sleep better) if we've had a little exercise out in the sunshine.
6) Tell your kids they can never do anything to make you stop loving them. And mean it. I was told this many times growing up, often after a teary discussion about whatever discipline I was receiving for my disobedience or a lecture on why my parents were disappointed in my behavior. Sometimes in a mushy mother-daughter moment. But I always knew my parents loved me and that it wouldn't change for anything. Not only did that knowledge give me a sense of security growing up, but it drove me to want to please my parents even more by obeying them.
7) Never be jealous when your children willingly go to other people or seem to prefer being with them because they'll always love you best. This is a lesson my Granny taught my mom, and my mom taught me. And reminding myself of this helps me be able to hand my kids over to the nursery workers at church on Sunday mornings, leave them with trustworthy babysitters, and allow people who need to be part of their lives that I don't have the best of relationships with to hold and play with them. Being loved by more people than just those in your home will give your children a sense of love and acceptance they need and crave. But you're they're mommy- they'll always love you best.
8) My mom once wisely told me that I didn't need to share my negative opinions about others with my kids. She said they're smart, they'll figure it out on their own. And you know what? She's right. I'm sure they will as they grow up and learn to hear more than just the words being said, but what's behind them. If the time comes when they're mature enough to know the truth about certain histories and those truths will guide them in making positive life decisions, then we can share those things. But for the meantime, it's my responsibility to let them enjoy the harmless positive attention they receive from those people.
9) If you teach your kids to behave in your home the way you want them to behave in others' homes, life will be so much simpler. There will always be those who expect more of your children than you do, and there will always be those who allow your children (or theirs) to be animals compared to what you would expect. But if you train your kids to act appropriately on a regular basis while at home, then when you send them out into the world- school, church, friends' homes, you don't need to wait with baited breath to see what the adults who've been supervising them have to say about how they were. You may even be pleasantly surprised at the compliments you receive over their behavior.
10) Pray for your children. This is really the most important of all- because as much as we want to put a bubble around them to protect them from the evil in this world, we can't. But we can send them out of our homes knowing they're being protected by One who loves them even more than we do and wants no harm to come to them. That doesn't mean it won't. They will still get sick, be teased, have trouble in school...but they will be in the care of the One who created them. And I can't think of anything better than that.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Pain is relative. God's love is not. That isn't to say certain things are or should always be felt more intensely than others. But the event that causes excruciating emotional pain to some might be just a drop in the bucket to others. The reverse is also true. Our family learned this lesson the hard way in 2012. After just having moved cross-country from California, where we lived for 6 years (as per the military's orders), we settled into our first place as home-owners in Virginia. Within a few weeks of getting here, we found out I was pregnant. Our initial reaction was shock, mainly because our experience was that it takes us an average of 2 years to get pregnant. And in fairness because our second son was not yet 1 year old (that would happen the next month we were here) and we simply didn't expect to have 2 babies so close together. But we trusted God's timing and plan, and finally started getting used to the idea of being a family of 5. At 8 weeks we heard a strong heartbeat, and again at 15, which was a huge relief after losing our second baby 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I had a funny feeling a few weeks after that 15- week appointment but figured it was paranoia after having miscarried once already. I wasn't feeling much movement and was more exhausted than I'd ever been in my life, but chalked that up to keeping up with a very busy toddler, homeschooling a kindergartener, and settling into a new home and all that entails. Unfortunately, when I went to my next appointment at 19 weeks, the baby had no heartbeat. Now, you may wonder why I say pain is relative after having experienced such a loss. I will tell you. While in many ways this loss was much harder than our first miscarriage- I was further along in the pregnancy, I was just getting used to the idea that I was in fact pregnant (vs before when I readily accepted it after waiting so long), I was a week away from the gender-revealing ultrasound, I had started mentally decorating the nursery for either gender, and we had made plans to rearrange 3 of 4 bedrooms in our house to accommodate our newest family member- it wasn't our first loss. I don't think anything can compare to the pain of losing a child, along with your hopes, plans and dreams, for the first time. It had never occurred to me that I might actually miscarry at some point. In fact, I knew so many others who had that I figured statistics were on my side and we were safe. So when it happened that first time, I experienced more shock and denial than anything. This loss was, in some ways, less painful for me because a friend who ministered to us immediately after shared her story of loss- she got to hold her precious child for 2 hours before he passed away. How could I possibly know the pain she had experienced? God showed me His mercy to us in our pain- we could adopt some distance from our hurt because we never got to hold our child in our arms then have to give him up. He was also merciful in not revealing to us the baby's gender. While this may have consoled some people, I believe it would only have made our loss that much more poignant. To some, losing a grandparent might be more painful than losing a parent if that grandparent raised them. For others, financial insecurity might be more difficult to handle. Whatever the case, as I look forward to what the new year holds, I hope I am able to be sensitive to the pain of others, and not try to compare it with mine, but to love them as God always does. Fully, completely, and unconditionally. Because no matter how big or small our circumstances, His love is always the same because He is always the same.
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