The first Sunday after our second miscarriage in October of 2012, our church congregation sang "Thank you Lord." I tried so hard to sing those words. I tried so hard to feel them. But all I could do was stand there, flanked by my mom on one side and my husband on the other, in the midst of a congregation of believers who for the most part had no idea what we were going through, and cry. "I just want to thank you Lord...with a grateful heart, with an outstretched hand..." "Really, Lord? What do I have to be thankful for? Please, Lord, help me feel these words; help me see Your goodness; help me be reminded of my blessings." Six months later, we sang that song in church again- and I praise God that I could sing every word of that song and mean it. It still hurt my heart to say these words, because I would prefer to have had that little one in my arms to thank Him for. BUT. But I can thank Him. I do feel the words. They speak to my heart, and I have a true understanding of what it is to make a sacrifice of praise. I'd never really understood what that meant, but now I can say I do. And that praise, the one that costs you something to offer up, is so much sweeter to me than the one that comes from a place of innocence and naïveté. That innocent praise is certainly sweet, and I'm thankful for the time I had with God where my heart was unmarred by the scars life leaves in its wake, but I'm even more thankful for the depth of understanding of His goodness in spite of the pain that causes those scars, and that I've been found faithful even in the fires of life.
It's like you've been thrown into a concrete pit and there's no hope of climbing out. Something has just happened that can't be undone. Time won't go backwards. You can't make it not so. And so you've lost something you can never get back. All the platitudes and Godly truths won't change what your life is right now. But what your life is right now won't change those Godly truths. You need time to be sad, grieve, walk through the pain; because ignoring or avoiding it won't work. It will follow you. So deal with it. But do that in light of what you know about who God is. And anytime you question those things, remind yourself of how God has made Himself present and shown Himself in your life. If you can't remember, ask Him to show you. He will do it. It may time time; days, weeks, months or more. But He is faithful and He longs to remind you of it.
And about those platitudes- people will say them to you. They want to help. They want to do something but don't know what's appropriate. Or they feel like they should say or do something, so they just say what comes to them. Don't get angry at them. It will hurt, but try to remember that at some point, you've probably said or done something in an effort to help someone who was hurting but ended up doing the opposite. Offer these people grace, as you have probably been offered grace by others who were hurting more times than you know. One day they will look back and be reminded of a time when they made a glib remark in an effort to fill the silence, probably when someone has done the same thing to them, and regret it. They probably won't be anyone who is in a close relationship with you and has the opportunity to apologize, and even if they are they'll likely be too embarrassed to bring it up. Remember Christ, who even in His immense pain and suffering as He became sin so we might be saved from it, asked His Father in Heaven to forgive those who hung Him on the cross. Just as they didn't realize they were punishing the Son of God for their misdeeds (and ours), neither do those around us realize how hurtful their thoughtless words can be. And if Christ can forgive them AND us, so also must we forgive.
